How many carbs?

Ack...I knew this day was coming but why now???

This morning Lovebug came up to me with a box of granola bars.  She told me she wanted to take them for a snack at preschool but she didn't know how many carbs were in them. (ironically she doesn't go to preschool on Tuesdays) Huh?  What did you just say??  You want to know how many carbs are in the granola bars?  That is not typically something you hear come out of a 5 year olds mouth!  That is the first time she has asked me that.

I showed her how to read the label (even though she can barely read) and where to find the amount of carbs. She then proceeded to look at every box I got into this morning because she wanted to know "How many carbs are in that?"

And then too top it all off, she wanted to put her finger up to the strip all by herself when I tested her.  She is typically not interested in this at all.  But  yet this morning she wanted to do it all by herself and she was pretty dang proud of herself!  I believe her exact words were "Cool, Mom. I did it!"  Yes baby, you did it.  I am so proud of her but at the same time it hurts so much. She shouldn't have to deal with this. She shouldn't have to be so grown up at such a young age.

I knew it was coming though, the awareness part. The wanting to learn and do more on her own.  I have been trying to prepare myself the best I can. I am NOT ready for this yet.  To top it off, then end of this week is out 2 year Diaversary.  This week is hard enough on it's own but this too......*sigh*   I don't need this on top of all the other emotions I have surrounding this time of year.

I still haven't decided what to do with all my emotions in dealing with this day. (see my post on Celebrate??) Now all this is in the course of a couple hours! I think I need a nap.....

You know that gut feeling?

It started back in January.  That gut feeling that something was off.  I really hate those gut feelings but I have learned to follow them when I get them.  Even when the outcome isn't always the way I want it. 

Back in January I enrolled Lovebug in Kindergarten at the same school that Peanut attends.  Right afterwards I had that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I  shrugged it off as "mommy worry".  You always worry about school issues when you have a T1 kids.  The two just seem to go hand in hand.  I waited and that feeling just would not go away.  Matter of fact, it got worse every time I though about Kindergarten.  

I kept trying to convince myself it was no big deal.  Just normal "mommy worry".  Problem is, I just could not shake that feeling. Not matter how hard I tried.  Peanuts school is WONDERFUL.  We LOVE it there.  One of the school secretaries and 2 children with Type 1 and there are 3 or 4 other kids that attend there that also have Type 1, so they are "used" to this.  There shouldn't be any big surprises for them or me. I should not have any worries!

Even with that knowledge, that gut feeling was STILL there.  I just wanted it to GO AWAY!!  I prayed about it and STILL there.  I prayed some more and STILL there.  Seriously??  When is this feeling going to go away!  I was really starting to worry.  

A couple of the parents where Lovebug attends preschool asked me if she was attending Kindergarten there in the fall. I said no, we can't afford it. (Lovebug attends a private school for preschool) We would LOVE to though!  It was later that day that it hit me.....why not send her there??  Well, there are LOTS of reasons NOT to send her there, the biggest one being that green stuff we call money.  Something we don't have a whole lot of these days. 

No matter what your view God is or where you place your faith, I  believe that God  "talks" to people through situations, people and circumstances. That is exactly what happened to me.  I swear that day I felt a little tap on my shoulder that day saying..."why not here?"  Um really, you know why not here....money.  Plain and simple.  (yes, I have conversations with God in my head ) Then that ever daunting thought..."don't you TRUST me?" Yes, I do.  But..... I can't plant a money tree in my yard!  (did I mention that I tell my kids ALL the time that there are no "buts" in my house!, I think I should take my own advice once in a while!) Needless to say we felt compelled to apply for financial aid and see what happened. 

Fast forward to last week.  The financial aid letter FINALLY came.  After a while I started to get a little impatient.  I am not typically a patient person to begin with, but I  was at peace about it so we waited what turned out to be.....three very long months.  I was AMAZED at the amount of financial aid we received, but it just was not enough to send BOTH girls to school there.  So what do we do now?  Do I worry myself sick sending Lovebug to Peanuts school or do we send them to different schools?  We weren't even sure if we could afford to send one!

After much prayer, and some advice from really good friends; we came to a decision. We are fully convinced it is not in the cards for our girls to go to the same school, yet.  So for the fall we will be sending Lovebug to the private school and Peanut will stay at her current school.  I thought it would be hard knowing they aren't at the same school, but I am at peace about it.  The private school is just where Lovebug is supposed to be.  Period.  And miracle of miracles, we still got a significant amount of financial aid for Lovebug and sending her is VERY affordable.  It's a God thing, pure and simple.  

Needless to say, the whole school thing had been  weighing heavily on me since the beginning of the year.  That weight is finally gone and I can relax....a little anyway. 

The Rose

We had been at the hospital for a little over a day and had just completed three hours of Diabetes training.  Training that was necessary to know so we could take care of  Lovebug at home.  I have never been so scared in my life.  Scared of hurting my baby girl and scared of what would happen if I couldn't.

I came home, walking through our door with an overwhelming feeling and a heavy burden on my heart.  Shortly after we arrived home I received this rose from a very dear friend. It came right along with a wonderful meal. (of which I did my first carb counting on!)

It was beautiful. Just like my baby girl. I left it on the counter for days. Then it started to wilt, I tried to throw it away but I just couldn't. The thought tore me up inside. So it has sat in various places in my kitchen ever since.

I have not and can not bear to throw it away. Shoot, I can't even talk about it without tearing up.  I'm not sure why, all I know is that I can not put into words what this rose means to me. I have tried many times but the words I come up with seem so inadequate.  It may not look as beautiful as it did the day I received it, but it means so much to me.

Birthday Girl!

I am just the worst slacker, ever.  I realized the other day I never blogged about Lovebug's birthday.  I am feeling a bit like the worst mom ever. It was a BIG one too!  The big number 5!  

We really didn't end up celebrating and having one big hoopla.  We spread it over the whole week.  It was fun for her and for us.  :)  She got to take birthday treats to preschool and got the special birthday bunny to take home!  

On her actual birthday, we had bible study in the morning and a friend of mine sang to Lovebug in the parking lot.  VERY LOUDLY!  Lovebug was a little embarrassed and hid behind me.  It was really cute.  Even if Lovebug was a bit embarrassed!  

That night we made one of her favorite meals.  Dinner for breakfast!  Complete with eggs, french toast, turkey sausage, and strawberries.  Grandma stopped over and gave Lovebug her present.  A unicorn pillow pet, whom she now carries around the house, everywhere.  She never puts it down.  A couple days ago she had the chance to finally take her "Uni" as she calls it, to preschool for show and tell. She was THRILLED!  

That Saturday after her birthday I took her out shopping.  She got to unwrap a few presents, but since I couldn't get out of her what she wanted for her birthday (besides a pillow pet and anything Fancy Nancy)  I thought I would take her shopping for the rest of her gift.  It was fun to watch her shop. Of course at first she wanted items that were more "expensive" and had to tell her no, but when she figured it out she was saying "I could get 3 of these or just this one thing, Mommy?"  Of course she got three smaller things instead of one larger item. I was surprised and quite happy with what she picked too, Strawberry Shortcake!  That was my favorite toy when I was a little girl.  I just love it that Lovebug likes it too!

My husband started a tradition with the girls to take each of them out for a birthday dinner, just the two of them. So Lovebug got to go the other night and had a great time hanging out with her daddy.  

Needless to say, she really did have a wonderful birthday.  :)  I'm still having a hard time with the fact that she is 5 though! 

Endo Fun!

Many many moons ago, we had a three month endo check up.  I didn't mean to not blog about it but life happens.  

I am happy to report that we have another great A1C of 6.6!!  Doing the Happy Dance over here!  (yes, still from a few weeks ago!)  

Honestly though, the thing that amazed me most about our appointment this time was Lovebug.  She was amazing. (seriously, what D kid isn't!) This time was different.  Normally she is all excited about going and seeing Miss S. and Dr. R, she just usually has a few reservations with our nurse.  (who is AWESOME, by the way!)  

Ever since Lovebug was diagnosed she has SCREAMED and when I say scream I mean 

S-C-R-E-A-M-E-D

I think it would be safe to say that she hates having her blood pressure taken.  Needless to say that haven't gotten an accurate reading in almost 2 years.  

When we were there a couple weeks ago, something changed.  Lovebug walked into the office like she owned the place.  She even walked back to the room where she gets her blood pressure taken along with her height and weight.  She took her shoes off before the nurse even asked and walked right over the the scale, then right on over to the wall to measure her height.  Then she sat back down and the nurse asked if she could put the hug on her arm. (usually this is where she tells the nurse (very firmly) no.  This time she didn't though.  She asked if she could get her shoes back on first and then said "sure".  She let the nurse put the cuff on her arm and she sat there and talked to the nurse while they.......  wait for it......

actually got a reading!!!!  Of course I was right there to snap a picture of her actually smiling while it was on!  

I seriously wanted to shout it from the roof tops that she FINALLY did it!  I was (am) so proud of her.  She just continues to amaze me everyday.  But then again, she is my D kid so it shouldn't surprise me a bit! :) 

 

Balancing Act

I feel like I am a gymnast doing her balance beam routine. The same routine I have done over and over again except sometimes I get that perfect 10 and other times I crash and burn. 


You see everyday I am on a "balance" beam trying to keep my life balanced. I have to have time to be a wife, mother, pancreas and friend. I would say that most women struggle with balancing these things.  Well, maybe not the pancreas part, but the rest of them for sure! When you add in the job of pancreas, life gets just a little more complicated then normal. You see being a pancreas 24/7/365 is well, tiring and just a little stressful.  More so even then all of the other three combined.  


Of course when trying to balance all those things, sometimes (okay most of the time) something has to give.  For me that one thing tends to be friends.  


It's hard to admit that I have let my (non-D) friendships suffer (a lot) the past two years. I know that I am different.  I am tired and exhausted. I lost a part of myself the day Lovebug was diagnosed.  I am not the same person.  I am stronger and more vocal.  (a nice way of saying I speak my mind a bit more then I used to!) Honestly, most days I just don't have anything left to give at the end of the day. I want to be there for you but I can't. 


I need you to be there for me though.  I am all about give and take in relationships.  Especially friendships.  I don't mean tit for tat when I say that.  I mean a real honest give and take.  No one is "keeping score"  but everyone is pulling their weight.  Actions speak louder then words in my book! Those that give and you know that the expect nothing in return. 


I know that some of you understand that I may not always be able to give back and you are okay with that.  You don't feel slighted or ignored.  You take the time to ask questions and genuinely care.  You have been there through the thick and thin.  Even when you weren't quite sure what to say or do, but some how you muttered through it.  


All I can say is a BIG Thank You! Thank you for helping me stay on that balance beam. Your help, love, support and prayers mean the world to me. They hold me up on days when I don't think I can do it anymore.  

Celebrate??

Our two year D-Aversary is coming up.  It has been on my mind A LOT lately.  I try to push it to the back of my mind and forget about it, but it each day it manages to find it's way to the front.  No matter how hard I try.  


I really wish it wouldn't .  Diabetes is hard enough without having to think about her diagnosis day.  The day we came very close to loosing her.  Honestly, I don't know how to react to that day. I don't know rather to be sad because our lives changed in an instant or if I should celebrate the fact we her life was spared that day. 


I want to be happy, but it's hard.  Really hard.  It's hard to celebrate the fact that Lovebug has diabetes.  Yes, she is still here and I am FOREVER grateful for that.  But I also live with the realization that Diabetes could take her life at any time. I know this could be any of my kids but more so with Lovebug.  I stare her mortality in the face each and every day. Sometimes numerous times a day.  


I find it hard to be happy about that. Is it wrong to feel this way?  I don't know.  I really don't know what is right when it comes to my emotions anymore.  At least where diabetes is concerned.  You would think after almost two years I would be able to sort it out, but I can't.  


I think some of it is because I am still grieving. Grieving over the life that we used to have.  The normal that used to be our lives.  Grieving over the fact that we can't just leave her.  That I worry each and every time she goes to school.   I worry about EVERYTHING with Lovebug.  It may appear to those on the outside that I am strong, but on the inside I am a big ball of mush.  I know everyone deals with grief differently but I am still figuring out how to deal with it.  Almost two years later.