Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Crazy Cycle

Lately it seems like it only takes me seconds to go from sad to happy to crying to happy again.  It's a never ending cycle of craziness.

I know that's what diabetes does.  It can turn on a dime, in seconds really.  One minute you are going along just fine then the next you are low.  Then so very quickly it will turn around and you are high. Diabetes reeks havoc on Lovebug's body, and on my emotions.

It's this crazy cycle that I ride every minute of every hour of every day.  24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I really struggle with sounding either happy all the time or grumpy and sad. There seems to be no happy medium for me. Then in the blink of an eye, anything anyone says or does can make my emotions do another 360 degree turn.   I just haven't been able to find that happy medium since diabetes started reeking havoc on my family's life a 17 months ago.

I'm sure a lot of it comes from lack of sleep.  The longest stretch of sleep I have gotten in the past 17 months is 6 hours.  It's like having a newborn in the house the never gets on a schedule and never grows up.  One night I can be up ever other hour, then next just a couple times and the next night only once.

Then when friends or family ask me to do something for them I feel horrible telling them no, but seriously I am running so thin....just one more thing might make be break, and I know that is hard for them to understand.  It is also hard for me because I am not the selfish type.  Lord knows that we are in no way rich in the money department, so I give of my times and talents as much I can.  Problem is, that is a lot less these days.  It's hard, really hard.  I love helping people out.

I feel like everyone gets just a little part of me, when I used to be able to give my all to everyone.

I always feel like I am explaining myself to everyone too.  It's just plain frustrating!!  I'm pretty sure my hubby and my D Mamas are the only ones who really get it.  I want my friends and family to know what it's like but how do I explain it to them without sounding like I am complaining all the time?  Or do I just not talk about it?

On the other hand I feel like if I do tell friends and family what it is really like day to day they will think I am complaining or never happy. I don't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer".   But I'm not sure it's any better to mask my feelings and just pretend that everything is okay and under control all the time either.  

It's just a crazy cycle that I just can't seem to get out of....



Lora said...

I struggle with the same thing. I was the girl that never said no, and now I find myself in the place where I have to because I just can't do it all. Like you, I give of my time... it KILLS me to no end that I don't have any of it to give anymore.

I wish I knew how to help you explain it. I have been just saying that "I would love to, but I have so much going on right now that I can't fully commit to anything else.

Either way, you can't let it get you down. You can only do what you are able to. I wish I had the stamina that I once had. These days I sit down to try and do something(scrapbook etc...) and I fall asleep at the keyboard. Heck, it takes me 2 or 3 days to write a post sometimes.

Hang in there Heather. We will get back to that place where everyone elses needs were our own. Right now, our sweet little kiddos need us :)

Heidi / D-Tales said...

D changes everything, even the way we relate to our friends and family. It's hard for others, who don't live with D, to truly understand what it's like for us day in and day out. I, too, like to volunteer and help others, but find myself with less and less free time. So I do what I can and give whenever I'm able. I'm always sincere when I turn down requests and I hope that my friends and family recognize that I care and that I'm doing my best.

Hang in there! Just be honest and sincere and don't worry about being thought of as Debbie Downer.

LaLa said...

I think it is totally normal. I feel completely overwhelmed by the smallest things - - - I've just had to start saying no.

I get it. :)

bethany said...

i hope it gets better!

Unknown said...

I can SO RELATE to this!!!!!!

It's hard when your heart wants to be spread thin....but your mind knows you just can't do it.

Unknown said...

I hear you D Mama Sistah! I hated saying "no" and have such a hard time with it. I have been getting better at using the big "N" word lately. It is too much...managing "d" is a full time job with nightly night shifts in addition to the activities of daily living and other jobs we may have.

I remember struggling with feeling like a "Debbie Downer" too. I think that is what initially sent me to the Blog-O-Sphere to start getting my feelings out somewhere. I did not want my friends to think I was feeling sorry for myself...I wasn't. It is just this is a HARD life...Manageing "d". Trust me I feel lucky, blessed, priviledged, etc...I have it good...but it isn't easy. Keep up the great work of caring for your beautiful family. The rest will come in time. Love. Love.

Meri said...

It took me many years to realize it was ok to say no. I'm a people pleaser, and for me to say, "sorry, it isn't a good time right now." KILLED ME.

But as hard as it is, I'm glad that I find the courage to do it. It lets me give the little I have left to my family. And they are the most important thing I need to concentrate on anyway.

As for the mood is par for the D Mama course. :( Little sleep, and a lot of worry does that to a person.

(((HUGS))) to you!

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

this post is excatly what Ive been feeling lately. I just cant do it!! I am so overwhelmed and I agree one more thing will break me... Thank you for putting my feelings to words


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