I'll be the first to admit, there are days when I have no hope. No hope for this awful disease that my daughters have. No hope that it will ever get better for them. No hope that there will be a cure in their lifetime. No hope that they will be accepted by all and not judged. No hope that I will ever get any sleep. No hope that neither of them will never have complications. No hope that there will ever be any sense of normalcy around my home. No hope that the girls will find friends with moms who aren't scared and willing to do sleepovers and birthday parties. No hope that I will ever find anyone (besides my hubby) who can do what needs to be done for the girls. Some days, I have no hope.
It's not because I am a "debbie downer". I am far from it. The problem is I am too realistic.
It seems to hit on days when diabetes is the hardest. Like last night when Lovebug had a low blood sugar for over 3 hours. I couldn't get that darn number to go above 60 for anything. I was beyond frustrated, and tired. (Did I mention that Princess also ended up low....yeah...) I cursed, I wanted to throw a grown-up temper tantrum. It's not fair. It's just not fair. This life is not the life I wanted, and certainly not the life I wanted for the girls. But it is what it is right? I was dealt this hand for some reason. I'm not sure I will ever know that reason, which is frustrating in itself.
When I get like this I have to remind myself that to keep on keeping on, I can't loose Hope. I can forget about it for a few minutes, to let myself vent, but deep down, If I didn't have hope, what would I have? For me, it's simple. I would have nothing.
I have to have Hope. Hope that I will accept our new normal, even 6 years later. Hope that they will see a cure, even if I don't. Hope that life will only get better for them. Hope that there will be more understanding for Type 1. Hope that despite all odds they will have no complications. Hope that the girls will find friends whose moms aren't scared and willing to take on just a smidgen of what I do so they can enjoy life. Hope that some nights, I will actually get some sleep. Hope that there will be (more) friends that come and walk beside us and support us and the girls. Hope, it's there, some days I just need to remind myself.