For some reason diabetes has been on my mind more then normal today. Those of you that live with this disease know that it's never really gone from your mind. Not when you live with it 24/7. Around here I guess that someday's it seems more like it's just part of life rather then a disease the girls live with. Today has not been one of those days.
Today has been more like one of those days where I wonder how in the world I do this everyday? It's hasn't been a abnormally trying day either, because I certainly have those. It's just one of those days that I start thinking too much and wishing that diabetes wasn't a part of our lives.
I thought that maybe this far into our journey this would happen less and less. Unfortunately it still happens a lot. I catch myself daydreaming of how simple life would be if the girls didn't have diabetes. If I could just let them be kids and not have to worry.
I am tired. I am worn. I am sick of dealing with diabetes. I'm tired of thinking if I haven't changed one site or rebooted or changed a sensor then I have forgotten something. Between the two of them if I don't do something everyday then I really have forgotten something. It would be really nice not to have to worry about that each and every day.
Maybe all this is because Lovebug's diaversary was on Monday and Princess's is Wednesday. I don't know. Honestly, I think it's just because diabetes is a tiring disease. A disease the never lets up and keeps you on your toes constantly.
After this long, honestly, I just want to be done with this disease....but I can't be. I know other's have dealt with it longer then we have and I wonder how they do it. How do you just keep chugging along? I guess it's because we love our kids. We would do anything for our kids and that's what I do. I do what I need to despite everything, because the alternative just isn't acceptable.
ps. this song kind of sums up how I feel. Listen if you would like. Ironically it is a song that was used in our modern Easter drama I was in last week at our church.
Our Story of raising two sweet girls with Type 1 Diabetes
4 comments:
Wishing has been on my mind lately too because I haven't had much sleep. I'm at the point of exhaustion where I'm sleeping through alarms and stuff. I sure miss the quick catch up naps I use to sneak in before I started working. It's messing with my mind... Making me crazy!!!
Sorry to hear you're feeling worn - rightfully so, too. You d-moms (& dads) are such incredible caregivers and it seems you offer tireless support.
It's hard to remember that it's taxing on you guys, too.
Thank you for all of the work and sacrifices.
It's been eight years and I am tired but that state has become normal for me. But I worry about the future. I want to turn back the clock. In two more years she will go off to college. Will I then get rest? No, because of the extreme worry of her living on her own; of the sorrow that it is she who will now be tired to the bone. We need a cure or at least the artificial pancreas... some therapy that will keep them safe from low blood sugars. I can accept being tired. I can't accept her being tired or the fear. One day.... a cure. I feel the cure is around the corner. It's so close I can taste it.
I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm just sitting their and I become aware that I'm actually breathing. D is suffocating. It never ends. I hope to wake up one day and realize we are finally all free. I wish that for my girls. One day they won't be my responsibility anymore but they will have to carry on.
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