The Rose

We had been at the hospital for a little over a day and had just completed three hours of Diabetes training.  Training that was necessary to know so we could take care of  Lovebug at home.  I have never been so scared in my life.  Scared of hurting my baby girl and scared of what would happen if I couldn't.

I came home, walking through our door with an overwhelming feeling and a heavy burden on my heart.  Shortly after we arrived home I received this rose from a very dear friend. It came right along with a wonderful meal. (of which I did my first carb counting on!)

It was beautiful. Just like my baby girl. I left it on the counter for days. Then it started to wilt, I tried to throw it away but I just couldn't. The thought tore me up inside. So it has sat in various places in my kitchen ever since.

I have not and can not bear to throw it away. Shoot, I can't even talk about it without tearing up.  I'm not sure why, all I know is that I can not put into words what this rose means to me. I have tried many times but the words I come up with seem so inadequate.  It may not look as beautiful as it did the day I received it, but it means so much to me.

Celebrate??

Our two year D-Aversary is coming up.  It has been on my mind A LOT lately.  I try to push it to the back of my mind and forget about it, but it each day it manages to find it's way to the front.  No matter how hard I try.  


I really wish it wouldn't .  Diabetes is hard enough without having to think about her diagnosis day.  The day we came very close to loosing her.  Honestly, I don't know how to react to that day. I don't know rather to be sad because our lives changed in an instant or if I should celebrate the fact we her life was spared that day. 


I want to be happy, but it's hard.  Really hard.  It's hard to celebrate the fact that Lovebug has diabetes.  Yes, she is still here and I am FOREVER grateful for that.  But I also live with the realization that Diabetes could take her life at any time. I know this could be any of my kids but more so with Lovebug.  I stare her mortality in the face each and every day. Sometimes numerous times a day.  


I find it hard to be happy about that. Is it wrong to feel this way?  I don't know.  I really don't know what is right when it comes to my emotions anymore.  At least where diabetes is concerned.  You would think after almost two years I would be able to sort it out, but I can't.  


I think some of it is because I am still grieving. Grieving over the life that we used to have.  The normal that used to be our lives.  Grieving over the fact that we can't just leave her.  That I worry each and every time she goes to school.   I worry about EVERYTHING with Lovebug.  It may appear to those on the outside that I am strong, but on the inside I am a big ball of mush.  I know everyone deals with grief differently but I am still figuring out how to deal with it.  Almost two years later.  

Love Bug's Diabetes Snapshots

Since I haven't really taken any "diabetes" Pictures.  Here are a few of Love Bug up to now...

2 months

At 1 Year

Fall of 2008

One Month her before diagnosis, Celebrating 3rd Birthday

One Week her before diagnosis

Showing off her 1st pump pouch - 6 months after diagnosis

1st JDRF Walk - 6 months after diagnosis and one week after pump start!

And Now, a little over one year after diagnosis

Part of Diabetes Blog Week!