Where are my Marbles??

Um, I think I lost my marbles. Would you happen to know where they are?  Yeah, I didn't think so.
They have been lost for the past couple months and I think they may be gone for good.

In all seriousness, I am pretty sure they are lost forever. I am just not myself lately.  I try to be but it doesn't last for long.   I feel like I do everything just to get it done.  I don't care about much. Well, I do, it just depends on the day and what kind of mood I am in.  I feel like I do what I have to to get by and that's it.  I just don't have the energy to care.

Diabetes  It's my life and most of the time, the only thing in my life.  It controls what I do during the day, how I feel and what I think.  It controls my sleeping at night and invades my dreams.  It is in my mind 24/7.  It just won't go away.  All six of my senses are overloaded with diabetes.  I am pretty sure that yes, I even have a "taste" for diabetes.  ugh.

It has been this way since Princess was diagnosed. I am well aware that Diabetes is a 24/7 disease.  It doesn't take a break and it doesn't play fair.  I learned this very well the past 2 years since Lovebug was diagnosed.  I could go with the ebbs and flows when Lovebug was diagnosed. So why does it bother me that much more now that we two children with diabetes?  It's like it is stuck to me like super glue.  It is just not budging.  It's not letting me have a breather at all.  Do you hear that diabetes?? I NEED a breather!!!

I have been there done this before when Lovebug was diagnosed. Only this time it's much harder.  I feel like I am drowning.  I need to have some time for myself. I need to have time to blog! I need to go on a date with my husband. I need to have time to clean the house and take care of my house. I need sleep at night.  I need some peace.  I need these things. Really, I do. I need them so I can be a good wife to my hubby and a good mother to my kids.  They deserve it.  Yet every time I try to get some time to myself or a date night with my husband or time out with my friends; it's like pulling teeth to make it happen.  It makes me not even want to try. It makes me just want to give up.

Now don't get my wrong, my life isn't a total and utter mess, it  just feels like it most of the time. I do have joyful times.  Especially since I started selling Thirty-One. It has honestly been a godsend for me.  I don't know how else I would EVER get out of the house. It has given me some of my dreams back and made me feel a little bit more like just a live in nurse and maid.

All I can say is that a little break every now and then would be nice....*sigh*

Summertime

I't's been a couple weeks since I  blogged.  Summer busyness is here in all it's glory, right along with all the craziness the diabetes x2 brings to our life.

I have to admit that I haven't been in the best of moods lately.  Down in the dumps would be a pretty good description.  I am basically just doing what I need to to get by.  I feel like the fog from Princess diagnosis is starting to clear a little bit, some days.

I have been tweaking basal rates for both girls lately, which is driving me crazy. I wish I could just work on one at a time but for some reason they need to be tweaked at the same time.  They only way I can keep them straight is to download their pumps every couple days so I can look at everything on paper. And then pray that I remember what might have caused a particular high or low blood sugar.  Sometimes I am pretty sure my brain was not meant to hold all this information!

We have had some hiccups with Princess pump. Mostly with the sensors for the CGM. They have been a little wonkey lately. (then again Dexie hasn't been on her best behavior either!) I think that we just got a bad box of them since the new box I opened has been better.  But then last night it keep giving me the "Low Predicted" alarm when she wasn't low and no arrows going down.  Kinda frustrating in the middle of the night!  I seriously was up every hour last night between Lovebug's Dexie with ??? on her and Lovebug with a bg of 73 at 12am (an hour after I went to bed) It took her and hour and a half to get back up to 130 and I turned her basal off for a couple hours.  It was a little crazy. I am already compiling my list of pro's and con's between the girl's different pumps.  I am leaning towards liking one a bit better then the other, but I will save all of that for another post.  :)

Then there is just getting used to summer "hours"  I find some of my basal tweaks are just because the girls are going to bed later and getting up later so I have to push basal rates back by an hour or two.  And to think I will have to change it all back come September!  Gives the lazy days of summer a whole new meaning....

I promise I will try to be around more.  I love blogging. It's therapeutic for me.  I just need to force myself to find time to sit down and actually blog.  Now a days my free time is a bit limited and I usually end up doing stuff that needs to be done rather then stuff for fun.  Blogging really is much more fun then doing housework!

Truthfully

It's been one month since diabetes made a second appearance in our lives.  Princess diagnosis turned my world upside down, yet again.  Just when I was starting to be "accepting" and getting used to our "new normal" with Lovebug. Honestly, I should have known better, every time I get comfortable with something another "problem" or trial comes along.   Never in a million years would I have thought a second diagnosis would be right around the corner!

This second diagnosis has been MUCH harder then the first.  First of all - NO ONE should have to deal with this.  One diagnosis is enough!  Two is just....there really are now words (beyond belief, maybe?)

I know that shouldn't question why, but it happens.  I go there every once and a while. Not for long though. When I do I get angry, VERY angry.  I just don't understand.  What is it that makes ME (and my family) so STRONG that we were picked to carry this burden?  My shoulders carry enough, they really didn't need this too.  Apparently someone thinks I am capable!

I don't have the crutch of the "unknown" this time.  I know the realities.  I know the dangers.  I know the pain, anger and grief.  I have lived all of it the past two years since Lovebug's diagnosis.  My reality just plain stinks. I know what to expect, or at least I thought so.  It's just different this time.  I am just having a hard time putting it all into words.

Last Minute

After one horribly long day I am sitting here wishing it wasn't 11pm at night.  Where did the time go today?? I started earlier today and never got it finished.  Time (and sleep) have certainly slipped away from me the past 24 hours.  


I spent last night up every hour from 11p until 3:30a chasing low blood sugars. Apparently her blood sugar didn't want to go above 86 last night. (this was after 3 juice boxes)  *sigh*  I finally got it up to 106 at 3:30a decided to let Dexie let me know if she went low again. (with a decreased basal rate of 40%, truthfully I was so frustrated that I almost just disconnected the pump.)  I actually ended up with a 2 hour stretch of sleep, but that was it.  


Now it is time to start checking again and I am just praying that I don't end up with another night like last night.  I NEED sleep.  I am so tired my eyelids feel heavy.  I didn't even know that could really happen, until I became a sleep deprived D Mama.  


Anyway, now I am off to bed so sleep can be attempted.  Did I mention that I am the ONLY person awake in my home right now?? (rolls eyes)


Good night my friends!  

Thankfulness

I have definitely had those days where I needed to count my blessings. You know, those days that are just so rotten the blessings are the only things the make it bearable.  


So, In keeping with the spirit of Thanksgiving I thought I would share some things I am thankful for.


...that we have very little out of pocket cost for Lovebug's diabetes supplies.  It's not something I like to bring attention to because I know too many D Mamas that struggle with insurance or have had to go back to work to help pay for their child's diabetes supplies. It's hard to have to worry about your child as well as where the money is going to come from to take care of them and keep them alive.   


..that Lovebug doesn't really give much thought about diabetes, yet.  It is just a part of life to her. She doesn't complain about her site changes or when I change Dexie's sensor. We haven't ever had to pin her down to give her a shot (she has cried with the shots though) I don't have to do anything special. We have a routine for her site changes, she likes to have something to eat when we do them but that's it.  I love it when she meets other kids with diabetes. I try to make a big deal out of it that they are like her and she compares insulin pump or CGM  and moves on. She treats them like she does all her other friends. I know deep down it won't always be this way. There will be a day when she starts noticing the differences, but for now I am thankful she doesn't seem to mind that she is "different" from her friends.  


...that I have a husband who is involved and cares about Lovebug's diabetes care and advocates and educates just as much as I do. He may not be as "smooth" about the care part as I am but, it's my job.  He is my loyal other half who is there when ever I need him to step in and I am extremely thankful for that, and for him. 


...my faith.  I know I am NEVER really alone. Through every circumstance and trial He is right there with me and will never leave my side.  


...that Lovebug is still with us.  She is healthy and happy and that means the world to me.  


...perspective that I have gained. I am much more sensitive to others who have children who are suffering with diabetes or another chronic illness.  I know what it is like to see a child suffer and I don't wish that upon anyone.  


...that I have the DOC to lean on and my D Mamas.  I don't know what I would do without you guys!!  Thank you just doesn't seem like enough.  


...last but not least, my friends and family who are also there to support me.  It means more then words can express.  I love you! 


I hope that all of you have a healthy and happy Thanksgiving!