Fighting

It's hard to describe the "fight" I go through with myself on a daily basis.  The fight with D. 

I'm finding that the further I get into the thick of things, the more I hate this disease and what it has done to my family. Which, does make sense, I know more about it now then I did a year ago.  But now I am starting to feel the effects of it and it sucks. I really fight the urge to seriously HATE D.  I don't like it but when I get mad and frustrated at D it feels like I am mad and frustrated with Audrey and I don't want her to feel that way.  Yet, I hate completely hiding my feelings around her because I want her to know it's okay not to like her diabetes.  Right now I think she just accepts it as part of her and doesn't give it another thought.  I pray it stays that way. 

The feelings of Then I see the effects it is starting to have on my oldest, who think Lovebug gets to do a lot of  "special" things with mom.  That's not the case, it all D related but apparently my oldest isn't seeing it that way.  I hopefully have remedied that by telling her she gets one night a month that her and I get to go do something special together.  She liked the idea, so we are going to stick with it. 

I struggle with people understanding, and wanting to understand what we are going through.
I pull my hair thinking about this.  I have friends and family that truly care and take interest, they learn about this disease and how to take care of D.  They ask questions, they tell me they are praying for me. Let me tell you, those "little" things mean the WORLD to me. Words just can not describe what that means to me!  THOSE are the things that lift my spirits now a days and keep me fighting. Then there are those that have faded into the background and it hurts, really deep.

The Walk to Cure Diabetes coming up soon I have been trying to think of some way to help people understand what their support would mean to me.  Their support to walk with our team and help raise money for a cure. That kind of emotion is hard to put on paper.  While I want to bring awareness to the disease (although that is part of the goal) my goal is to get people to stand with me; to really understand (as well as they can) what this disease does to my daughter on a daily basis. The toll that it takes on our family.  I want people to understand with their hearts, not just their heads

I just LOVE how my friend Amy put this on one of her blog posts. (*note: I did change it to say Lovebug  instead of Amy's son and she instead of he.)

"And I don’t want people to feel sorry for Love Bug or our family because we live with D.  I want people to understand so they see how strong Love Bug is and praise her for it.  I want them to be aware so we can raise money for research for a cure.  I want people to know so they understand when I’m tired and just need to stay home and love on my d-love (Lovebug) or my family because we’ve had a couple exhausting days.  But more than anything in the world, I want people to look at Lovebug to see Lovebug, not a disease.She is amazing. She has a bright future.  D will ONLY stop Love Bug when she chooses to let it stop her."

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I don't think I could have said it more clearly myself!  Amy said it PERFECTLY!

After fighting this disease for a little over a year the magnitude of it feels like it is just settling in.  It's really hard to be "happy" when  this disease stares me in the face everyday. It is hard to stay focused on the positive.  D  has changed my life and changed the life of my husband and kids, FOREVER. 

It has shaped who I am and who I will be.  But I WILL NOT let it get me down.  I WILL make the most of what I have been given, the hand that I have been dealt. 

I may have a lot of bad days.  I may even wonder sometimes if I can really handle this burden I have been given. I may always be sleep deprived and worry about her.  I may always have day filled with tears, anger and frustration BUT

I HAVE to choose to focus on the positive. My daughter is here. She is ALIVE. God has blessed me with the most wonderfully understanding and patient husband I could ever had imagined to help me through this . He has been and always will be my biggest supporter and I love him more deeply now then I ever thought possible.  I have been blessed by a community of Moms that REALLY understand because they are right in the thick of it with me. I will pray everyday for strength to fight this disease because "His love will lead me to fight another day"....I will keep my head to to sun because It's shining on me. 

Fight Another Day

A song that explains ME and my life with D right now. 
Here are the lyrics....listen and enjoy. 


Your broken dreams,
Your crazy schemes,
They always let you down.
The things we chase A hopeless race,
You're breathless, off the ground.
From soaring highs to crash-and-dies,
A peace yet to be found.
But you could spend a lifetime running.
You could spend a lifetime running.

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down,
And watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind.
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot,
Or fight another...
Another day, yeah.

Another day, yeah.



Your fractured heart,
Your disregard,
It leaves you frozen still.
A slow withdrawal
From it all
That keeps you unfulfilled.
Will you spend a lifetime running?
'Cause you could spend a lifetime running!

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down,
And watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind.
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot,
Or fight another...Another day, yeah.
Another day, yeah.


Even when your heart's been broken,
He'll be there with arms wide open.
Be strong and his love will lead you to fight another day!

(4x)
Keep your head to the sun cause its shining on you, on you
                                         -Addison Road - Fight Another Day

Our Numbers, Being a Pancreas and Apidra.

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G

That is the only way to describe them.

What is "them" you ask?

NUMBERS!!

First of all, I hate numbers.  I hate math to be quite frank.  But the good Lord has a sense of humor and gave me a job that involves math.  LOTS OF IT.

What job it is you ask?  Motherhood? Nope.
That job would be: Pancreas.  I have to be a pancreas for Love Bug, which requires a lot of MATH.

Being a pancreas hasn't been going so well lately. (remember I didn't exactly ask for this job, or purse it it for that matter.) Love Bug's number's have been all over the place.  Dexie looks like she is ride a roller coaster.  It's not pretty.

It is not because I haven't tried either.  I have tried everything I could think of.  We changed I:C ratio's.  Then we tried basal rates. Then we added more basal rates.  Then the basal rates were too high.  Then they weren't enough.

I have noticed some improvement. Very little though, and it's frustrating.  So frustrating that after 2 months of these roller coaster numbers  I decided to do something about it.

I heard other D-Moms doing it and wondered if it would be right for us.  I researched, I listened to other D-moms and talked to them about it.

I had decided to wait until our next Endocrine appointment and talk to the doctor about it.  Then on Friday I found out we wouldn't have out next appointment until September and decided that I couldn't wait that long.

I called and talked to Miss Sally (our wonderful CDE) and she agreed it might help.

So, this morning I went to the Endocrine's office picked up a bottle this: 

Yep, I jumped on the Apidra "band wagon"  but not just because everyone else is "doing it".
I did it to (hopefully) get Love Bug's numbers under control.

Because you see, I don't just jump on "band wagons" lightly, especially when it comes to my daughters health.

I do research, get advice and pray about it.  That is the only way I know how to do things.

Now, I'm praying that it works!

Weeping Forward

Did you ever go on one of those family vacations or do something special with your family when you were a kid?  I'm sure you have.  Did you parents ever threaten to turn the car around and go back home because you and or your siblings were mis-behaving?  Oh, I heard that many times growing up.  "If you don't straighten up I'm gonna turn this car around right now and go home!"  The prospect of having to return home (or going back) didn't look so appealing at that point!

Have you ever looked to see where you are going and wish you you could turn back?

Then there are the instances where you are looking back, wanting to go back, but you know you have to move forward.  However hard the road ahead may be.

I've been there too. The day Love Bug was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

That day, I wanted to go back in the worst way, but I knew I couldn't. 

Then I read this quote the other day. "
Although there will be weeping in this life, the direction in which we weep is what truly matters"  - Kelly Minter 

Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Talk about stopping me right in my tracks.

The quote was in reference to Naomi, (from the bible) Ruth's mother in law.  She was leaving Bethlehem where she had traveled to with her husband and made a home for them.  But now she is returning to her homeland of Judah minus her husband and sons and bitter at God over the whole thing.  I think I would be a little bitter too if  God took my husband and kids from me and then I had to move to boot.  Sheesh. That is what I call difficult.  Little did Naomi know the blessings the Lord had for her in Bethlehem. 

That's where I have been. When Love Bug was first diagnosed with Type 1. I felt like my whole world was crashing in on me. The Lord had just taken me from a pretty good place and put me smack in the middle of a life with diabetes.  I have been a little bitter at times, wondering why us?  Why our family?  Why Love Bug? Why not me or my hubby?  Why right now? 

Seriously, I am the girl who is just a little afraid of needles.  I pass out when I get shots or get my blood drawn. You (God) just gave me a child with Type 1 Diabetes who has to have how many shots a day?? I had a small nervous breakdown at the thought that I may not be able to take care of my own child.  I couldn't go passing out every time I had to give her a shot.

Thank goodness for grace and mercy, because the Lord has given me a lot of it.  I learned that I am stronger then I thought I was, much stronger.  I am strong because I have to be for Love Bug   (not that it's always easy)  but I'm also strong because God has given me the strength to deal with this trial in my life.  A trial that I will isn't going to go away anytime soon.

I have cried a lot of tears since Love Bug was diagnosed.  I have had good and bad days.  Days when I want to throw in the towel and give up.  Days when I have seriously had enough and thought I couldn't take anymore of this.

Despite being a little bitter with God, at times, I have have moved forward despite wanting to go back to life before diabetes. Tears and all.  And it has brought me that much closer to Him. It has also brought me closer to my hubby . All because of  Type 1 Diabetes.  Of course, I would still take this horrible disease from Audrey in an instant, if I could.  I just keep walking forward, despite my tears.

"Be encouraged.  God sees your tears.  Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you.  It is possible to cry and walk."  - Kelly Minter.