Friday, April 1, 2011

Remembering

I remember this day 2 years ago like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh in my mind.  Sometimes I wish it wasn't but I want to remember everything. I want to be able tell her someday, if she wants to know. (I still shoot myself for not taking any pictures of Lovebug when she was in the hospital.  I don't know if she will remember it or not. Probably not though, Lovebug had just turned 3.

Her birthday  was delayed that year due to me being sick. I had come down with the flu and just did not have the energy to get stuff around, so we moved it back another week.  It was the first time we had thrown her a Birthday party.  Since Lovebug has a March birthday and we have a small house it's hard to hold parties inside.  We decided to go for it anyway that year.  It was a wonderful party filled with lots of memories.
She was just starting to get into Fancy Nancy and we had a Fancy Nancy theme. At the time you could barely find anything Fancy Nancy because the books hadn't been out very long

Those memories that are so hard for me now.  I see her pictures and think, that was before.  Even though there are a few things about that day....her dress my sister had gotten her actually fit.  She was in a 4t at the time and my sister got a 3t.  I thought maybe the sizes ran big.  That was not the case at all.  She was loosing weight and I didn't even see it.  How could I though, I had now idea.

It was a week later that the symptoms started showing up.  The ones I didn't recognize because I didn't know. The wetting of the bed.  Drinking ALL the time.  Moodiness, MORE then normal for her. Her appetite started to decrease. She started having blue lips.  I thought she was just cold all the time.  Sheesh. I wish I would have known.

It's hard for me too look at her pictures from before.  It's bittersweet.  I enjoyed the 3 years of her life that were diabetes free, and miss them.  I miss just being able to run out the door and not have to have her diabetes bag with us. Gone are the days of letting just anyone take care of her.  How I would love to not have to measure and weigh food every time she wants to eat. To her, this will be normal, forever.  I am sad she will never know any different.  Yet, at peace because I know that God is in control of her life and He know's what He is doing, even though I may not understand.

I thought 2 years into this it would be easier.  I thought I would have it all figured out by now.....little did I know.  You don't ever have diabetes figured out.  It's a day to day thing.  Every day is different, yet sometimes you might get lucky enough to have a few good days in a row. Those good days can carry you though the bad days or they can make those bad days harder and more frustrating.  It just depends.  It really just depends.

Yes, diabetes is becoming more "normal" around here but there are still times, in the busyness of life that I will forget to check her blood sugar before we eat.  Just yesterday I forgot to bolus her for lunch.  How in the world I forget to do that after 2 years is beyond me. (oh yeah, I know why...insomnia will do that do you!)  It should be second nature to my by now, but sometimes it's just not. Maybe it's because I don't want it to be.  Yet I do.  I want everything to run smoothly and not have it feel like such a burden to have to stop and check her blood sugar when needed.

After 2 years I believe the reality is really starting to set in. Lovebug is much more aware now. Not of her highs and lows so much (although she is getting better with that) as the fact that she is different from her sisters, friends and other kids her age.  She is also starting to be interested in her care.  Which for me is bittersweet.  I am so proud of her yet at the same time I really wish she could just be a normal kid and not have to worry about diabetes. (I know all of us D Mamas have that same wish) I have always said I would let her take the lead in her care and she wouldn't do anything until she was ready to do it.  So as she is ready and asks, I will show her and teach her. Lucky me, she has just become MUCH more interested in her care and doing stuff by herself.

So here is to another year of living with diabetes, all the good the bad and everything in between.



8 comments:

Reyna said...

I hope you have a good day celebrating another year of keeping Lovebug safe and healthy, living with "D".

I am thinking of you and your sweet family...xoxo

Jen said...

Oh my gosh..Addison's lips were slightly blue too and the skin on his cheeks. I remember walking him to our clinic in his stroller and being very worried..I kept thinking I was imagining that blue there but as it turned out I sure wasn't. Diagnosis day was a scary and heartbreaking one. But here we all are...You are doing a great job mama pancreas! Have a great day with your family and give lovebug a big diaversary squeeze from her friends in Seattle!

Lora said...

I don't have picture either. I also wish I did.

Happy D-aversary.

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Here's to another happy, healthy year!

I also don't have any photos and wish I did.

Michelle said...

Happy Dia-versary! Hope you were able to celebrate another year of keeping Lovebug safe and healthy!

I don't have any photos from Charlotte's diagnosis either and wish I did...we've taken some during ER visits, MD appts and other hospital stays though...I think we were just so swept up in the chaos of the diagnosis that the thought never entered my mind.

Michelle said...

Happy Dia-versary! Hope you were able to celebrate another year of keeping Lovebug safe and healthy!

I don't have any photos from Charlotte's diagnosis either and wish I did...we've taken some during ER visits, MD appts and other hospital stays though...I think we were just so swept up in the chaos of the diagnosis that the thought never entered my mind.

Alexis Nicole said...

Justice was also diagnosed a few days after his birthday. Oddly I have pics and sometimes wish I didnt.

Happy Diaversary. I hope it was filled with love, laughter and great bgs!

Jules said...

yup yup. nodding. insomnia. day by day. bittersweet. frustration. hope this is the best year yet.

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