Open Honesty

Six months ago today, my world came crashing down. Again. Only this time it was worse then the first time because I knew what was coming. I knew what to expect.  I knew what my baby girl was in for.

I hit a wall that day and it hurt me more then I ever thought I could hurt. It is a hurt SO DEEP that sometimes it is unbearable to talk about. I think because it is SO hard for me to put into words what I am really feeling.  How do you put a hurt that cuts you deep, deeper then you ever thought possible, into words? This isn't something that you get over.  It's kinda like the longer I fight with diabetes, the harder it gets. 

In the process of dealing with my grief I know I have pushed friends and family aside.  I really didn't mean to. Maybe it's just that sometimes it's just easier to talk to my d-mamas who get it rather then around people who don't.  I know it's not that you don't want to get it. It"s just that you can't unless you live it. You can sleep a full 8 hours straight. Your kids can go to a sleep over without you having to educate the kids parents. You can feed your kids without having to weigh and measure their food and consider 20 millions other things like how exercise and stress can factor in. (and those are just 2 things...if only you know the list in my head!)   You can go on date nights because it's easy for you to find a sitter.  You don't have to plan your day around a disease.  You can come and go as you please.   

I need my friends and family to know that just because I don't call you or contact you in someway doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that some days are harder then others. In this season of my life you may not hear from me for weeks or months if you don't pursue me.  I'm not being mean when I say this but just honest.

Most days I am tired.  I have been up at least 2 times during the night. My brain is quite often swelly from trying to keep track of everything and I just can't handle anything else.  Some day's I just want to wrap myself up in my own little D world and stay safe, where every one else gets it.  There are days I just don't feel like explaining how to take care of my girls.  It's easier if I just do it myself.  I want you to want to take care of the girls.  I want you to offer to learn about their diabetes and how to care for them. But It's okay if you don't want to learn either, I understand.  It's scary.  Diabetes was forced upon me and I refuse to force it upon anyone else. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I would like you to.

I do have good days. Their just aren't as many as there used to be. Just please know that this is hard for me, as maybe is it hard for you to deal with me. I'm different now. Life has changed me and my outlook on life.  I wish that I could go back to the happy, carefree woman that I used to be. Unfortunately, I can't go back.

There is no cure for Type 1, yet.  For now I have to take the highs and the lows and make the most of it the best I know how. Despite everything, I need you to be there.  Even if I may not act like it or say it out loud and only if you are willing to put up with the crazy new me! .

One of those days

Since it has been almost a month since I last blogged, I thought I should let you all know I am still alive!  :)
Just been super busy and trying to get into a routine now that school is back in session.  And still getting used to having one of my d-kids in school!

Speaking of school, it is actually going pretty well.  Lovebug loves it and I love the teachers and staff just as much. They have been amazing and I am so blessed to have her at such a wonderful school.  I am reminded daily why I chose that school for her, despite there being no nurse on staff.

Just last week, we had a really bad day at school.  Seriously of the worse all around days I have had in a while and too boot it was a Monday.  Started out with the girls getting up late and me having to rush them around so they were ready in time.  Then as we are walking out the door, I notice Lovebug playing with her site and ask her what she is doing. She informed me she was plugging her site back in because she forgot to plug it back in when she got dressed.  WONDERFUL No breakfast bolus. I guess I will have to explain that to her teacher when I drop her off and hope that it doesn't ruin the whole day.

Two hours later I get a call from the school secretary that she in the 400's.  Oh, joy. Give her a correction dose.  I knew the high number was coming, just didn't think it would be quite THAT high.  Then at lunch she is still still coming down, I had the secretary calibrate Dexie.  Then when she was giving Lovebug her insulin the meter remote said it couldn't communicate with the pump.  Great.  She was standing right beside it, what is going on?  SO had to talk the secretary though how to check the bolus history. I  couldn't chance her not getting yet another bolus after what happened at breakfast. Good thing I had her check because she had gotten the entire bolus. Not sure why the meter remote was being funny.

The I got another call just 10 minutes later.  It was the secretary again.  Lovebug pulled her site out!!  Yes, I do know this happens, and up until now has only happened at home but at school? And during lunch??  I started to tell her that I would be right up to school to put a new one in and the secretary told me her assistant was sure she could put a new site in.  Really?  Seriously?  Well, Okay if you are comfortable I will walk you through it over the phone.

Sure enough she was completely comfortable and Lovebug even helped her out a bit.  Come to find out the assistants mom has Type 1 and she had helped her mom change her sites before.  How "cool" is that!  I was relieved and amazed at the same time.  That someone, a complete stranger to me, would be willing to change Lovebug's site.  Did I mention how much we LOVE her school!!  :)