Monday, October 10, 2011

Open Honesty

Six months ago today, my world came crashing down. Again. Only this time it was worse then the first time because I knew what was coming. I knew what to expect.  I knew what my baby girl was in for.

I hit a wall that day and it hurt me more then I ever thought I could hurt. It is a hurt SO DEEP that sometimes it is unbearable to talk about. I think because it is SO hard for me to put into words what I am really feeling.  How do you put a hurt that cuts you deep, deeper then you ever thought possible, into words? This isn't something that you get over.  It's kinda like the longer I fight with diabetes, the harder it gets. 

In the process of dealing with my grief I know I have pushed friends and family aside.  I really didn't mean to. Maybe it's just that sometimes it's just easier to talk to my d-mamas who get it rather then around people who don't.  I know it's not that you don't want to get it. It"s just that you can't unless you live it. You can sleep a full 8 hours straight. Your kids can go to a sleep over without you having to educate the kids parents. You can feed your kids without having to weigh and measure their food and consider 20 millions other things like how exercise and stress can factor in. (and those are just 2 things...if only you know the list in my head!)   You can go on date nights because it's easy for you to find a sitter.  You don't have to plan your day around a disease.  You can come and go as you please.   

I need my friends and family to know that just because I don't call you or contact you in someway doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that some days are harder then others. In this season of my life you may not hear from me for weeks or months if you don't pursue me.  I'm not being mean when I say this but just honest.

Most days I am tired.  I have been up at least 2 times during the night. My brain is quite often swelly from trying to keep track of everything and I just can't handle anything else.  Some day's I just want to wrap myself up in my own little D world and stay safe, where every one else gets it.  There are days I just don't feel like explaining how to take care of my girls.  It's easier if I just do it myself.  I want you to want to take care of the girls.  I want you to offer to learn about their diabetes and how to care for them. But It's okay if you don't want to learn either, I understand.  It's scary.  Diabetes was forced upon me and I refuse to force it upon anyone else. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I would like you to.

I do have good days. Their just aren't as many as there used to be. Just please know that this is hard for me, as maybe is it hard for you to deal with me. I'm different now. Life has changed me and my outlook on life.  I wish that I could go back to the happy, carefree woman that I used to be. Unfortunately, I can't go back.

There is no cure for Type 1, yet.  For now I have to take the highs and the lows and make the most of it the best I know how. Despite everything, I need you to be there.  Even if I may not act like it or say it out loud and only if you are willing to put up with the crazy new me! .


Lea said...

(hug) this was exactly how I felt when my second child was diagnosed, thanks for sharing

Hallie Addington said...

Same. Same, same, same, same, same. Love you!

Angela (Toucan Scraps) said...

hugs from one mother with 2 dx kids to another.
Blessings to you, from Angela

Reyna said...

Love to you Heather.

It is amazing to the chronicity and work-load of this disease seeps into all aspects of our lives. It is inevitable. Great job expressing your feelings.

Joanne said...

How brutally honest and wonderfully put at the same time. I hope all of your friends read this.

Jules said...

i sat and nodded my head through this entire post. yes yes and yes. i feel the same ... its unrelenting and theres nothing carefree about life now, i cannot imagine the grief of going thru a second diagnosis because the first rips your heart out and mashes it up and whacks it back in so you dont even feel yourself anymore.


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