Lately it seems like it only takes me seconds to go from sad to happy to crying to happy again. It's a never ending cycle of craziness.
I know that's what diabetes does. It can turn on a dime, in seconds really. One minute you are going along just fine then the next you are low. Then so very quickly it will turn around and you are high. Diabetes reeks havoc on Lovebug's body, and on my emotions.
It's this crazy cycle that I ride every minute of every hour of every day. 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
I really struggle with sounding either happy all the time or grumpy and sad. There seems to be no happy medium for me. Then in the blink of an eye, anything anyone says or does can make my emotions do another 360 degree turn. I just haven't been able to find that happy medium since diabetes started reeking havoc on my family's life a 17 months ago.
I'm sure a lot of it comes from lack of sleep. The longest stretch of sleep I have gotten in the past 17 months is 6 hours. It's like having a newborn in the house the never gets on a schedule and never grows up. One night I can be up ever other hour, then next just a couple times and the next night only once.
Then when friends or family ask me to do something for them I feel horrible telling them no, but seriously I am running so thin....just one more thing might make be break, and I know that is hard for them to understand. It is also hard for me because I am not the selfish type. Lord knows that we are in no way rich in the money department, so I give of my times and talents as much I can. Problem is, that is a lot less these days. It's hard, really hard. I love helping people out.
I feel like everyone gets just a little part of me, when I used to be able to give my all to everyone.
I always feel like I am explaining myself to everyone too. It's just plain frustrating!! I'm pretty sure my hubby and my D Mamas are the only ones who really get it. I want my friends and family to know what it's like but how do I explain it to them without sounding like I am complaining all the time? Or do I just not talk about it?
On the other hand I feel like if I do tell friends and family what it is really like day to day they will think I am complaining or never happy. I don't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". But I'm not sure it's any better to mask my feelings and just pretend that everything is okay and under control all the time either.
It's just a crazy cycle that I just can't seem to get out of....