Diaversary #2

One year ago today, my world came to a crashing halt. I never thought that I would have to "deal" with another diaversary. I only thought it happened to "other" people. I thought that Lovebug's would be the only one we would every have to "celebrate".

That all changed, one year ago today, when Princess was diagnosed.

I will never forget...that meter counting down. It was the LONGEST 5 seconds of my life.  Then the 508 that was blaring back at me...my heart sank into my stomach in shock.  I couldn't breath for a second.  I remember thinking to myself...is this real?? Could this really be happening??  I wanted to break down and bawl but I quickly pulled myself together.  All I could think was the meter had to be wrong...but that wrong I knew was pretty impossible.  Even a dirty finger in a non-d kid wouldn't have a blood sugar that high.  Not to mention the fact she hadnt' eaten since breakfast about 4 hours earlier.

It's one of those days, much like Lovebug's diagnosis day, that changed me.  Forever.  I many ways I don't feel  like I ever really mourned Princess's diagnosis like I did Lovebug's.  I never broke down. I just bottled it up inside and cried when I could.  I mostly  cry to myself when no one is around and to Tim when I need to because he has been my rock through all of this. I feel like it's hard to mourn for one kid when you still have to take care of the other one's needs.Lovebug's came first. The second time around we knew what we were doing.  It didn't hit as hard, well  physically it hit hard but emotionally Princess diagnosis has been a lot harder. I just don't know how to put words to the emotional part of it...

In all honesty I don't feel much better about the whole thing then I did 6 months ago. It's hard. It sucks. There is two of everything.  I hate that 2 of my kids have Type 1.  I hate that they can't live a normal life. I hate that they can't do a lot of the things that their big sister can do.  I hate that I worry about them 24/7. I hate that I don't ever get more then 4 hours of sleep at a time...if I'm lucky.  I just plain freaking hate diabetes and what it does to my girls.

I know that is a lot of hate but there is some positive. (honestly I do TRY to focus on the positive!) I know something good will come of this.  After all,  I have a husband who is supportive, involved in their care and advocates for them.   I have wonderful friends in the DOC and I wouldn't know them without diabetes. I have grown and learned things about myself.  I am much stronger. I have become a much more compassionate person. I look at the world through a different set of glasses now. But I  have also gotten some thick skin and I filter what I let bother me and what I don't.  I'm different now.  Diabetes has changed my outlook on life.

So today, like everyday, I will take the highs and lows and make the most of it.  Despite Diabetes.

I wasn't prepared

This morning started out like most mornings.  I got up at 5:30.  Got myself around and my hubby got up at 6am. I got the girls up at 6:30.  The girls fooled around, like they do most mornings and I was yelling at them to get ready because I was running a little behind and I didn't have time to help them out this morning.  They actually did pretty good, except for the fighting. It happens with 3 girls around the house all trying to get ready in the morning.

We got breakfast and were finally on track.  I was ready to get out the door to drop Lovebug off to school.  I turned around and looked at her and she had her pants pulled down a bit messing with her site.(which is on her bottom)  I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was hooking herself up because she forgot earlier.  Great.  That means she didn't get her breakfast insulin and is going to end up with a really HIGH blood sugar in about and hour and a half.

When I got to school I explained what happened to her teacher and told her she might have to send her down to the office to get bolused for her snack today.  As I expected, I received a call around snack time and it was the Secretary.  Lovebug was 420.  I expected it and instructed her to give her a correction bolus and not bolus for the snack since she goes to recess right after. I asked her what Dexie was saying as far as arrows, I wanted to know what direction her blood sugar was trending.  Of course Dexie was ???  Seriously Dexie?  Right now? At school?  I explained we get ??? on Dexie every once in a while and to just keep a close eye on her since it wasn't working.

I got another call from Lovebug's teacher about an hour later.  She was up to 480.  Okay, great. I really should have bolused her for her snack but there is that little thing called hind-site.  Then an hour later it was lunch time.  Got a call from the secretary that she was 319 but arrow was down on Dexie.  I instructed her to just give insulin for the carbs and no correction since she was heading down already.  Of course Dexie was 100+ points off so I had the secretary calibrate Dexie, but Dexie was greedy and wanted 2 bg's not just one.  Then as she was actually bolusing Lovebug for lunch and the meter remote for the pump gave that nice warning.  "Bolus cancelled, move devices closer together."  So I had to talk the secretary through looking through the bolus history to see if she had actually received her bolus.  She had received it, which is usually the case but had to make sure. I didn't want a repeat of breakfast!

Five minutes later the phone rings AGAIN.  School name was on the caller id.  I almost wanted to answer the phone with "What is wrong now??"  I didn't though.  The secretary said the lunch lady had sent Lovebug back down to the office.  She her site was falling off.  WONDERFUL.  I was getting ready to tell them I would be right up to put a new one in when the secretary told me that the office assistant said if I could walk her through it on the phone she would be comfortable doing it.  Really?  I was pleasantly surprised but she explained to me that her mom has Type 1 and she had helped her with site changes before so she was okay doing it.  She just said her moms looked a little different.  I walked her through it on the phone and Lovebug even helped her out.  It went really smoothly and I didn't receive any more phone calls the rest of the day.

To say the least I was just a nervous wreck all morning.  I knew this could happen but all of this in the same day?  Sheesh.  I just wasn't ready for it.  And on a Monday to boot.  I seriously don't know how all you moms out there who have had your T1 kids in school for a while do it!  I just wanted to run to school and bring her home for the rest of the day!  Even though I knew that would not be good for her. Lovebug just loves going to school and I knew unless she was really sick she would not want to come home.  I just wasn't prepared for the whole emotional part of it.  Why does this make me so emotional?  I just wanted to cry. Why is it so hard to send them to school?  Even when I know that she is in really good hands.

I guess it's probably just my motherly instinct, right?  I don't want to say that I worry when ever she is with someone else, but I do.  I don't want to but I still do.  It's hard. It's just plain hard.  Hard to let someone else be there to comfort her and "fix" her up.

I know those of you with kiddo's in school understand what I am talking about.  Rather you have a good situation at school or a not so great one.  Despite all my worry and fears we are very blessed to have wonderful, caring staff at our school.  I am just simply blown away by how much they have gone out of their way for her and how much they truly care for Lovebug.  Words can not express my gratitude for the staff there.  I just want to give them all big hugs and a HUGE thank you because if they only knew how hard it is to send her to school in the first place.

Settling in?

As my hubby and I were doing two site changes and two sensor changes with the girls tonight, the thought crossed my mind that this is becoming normal. Two of everything. Two bottles of insulin. Two infusion sites for pumps. Two pumps. Two resevoirs for the pumps.  Two sets of IV Prep and Unisolve.  Two of  everything.  I think that we are finally settling into a routine when it comes to blood sugar checks, site changes and sensor changes.  The routine seems, well, routine.  The rest of it, not so much.

It just shouldn't be this way. While we have a "routine" it still doesn't seem "real" to me. I think 3 months later it is still sinking in.  In someways I wish it would just hurry up and hit me. On the other hand I treasure the days when I don't mope around the house all day (or feel like moping)  It feels like I am in a "dream" (someday's) and I will wake up one day and realize that this isn't real. Lovebug was supposes to be the one with Type 1.  Not Princess.  Lovebug was the one I would have to worry about all the time. Not Princess.  She wasn't supposed to be part of the equation.  At ALL.

Don't worry, I'm not delusional. I really do know I'm not in a dream.  Although sometimes I do wish it was a bad dream that I could wake up from and everything would go back to our "old" normal.  Not this new normal of doing twice the work to get anything accomplished.  Not twice the worrying and twice the amount of diabetes supplies in my closet.  (Have I mentioned that the supplies have taken over my linen closet!  My towels no long fit in there.  I have to keep them on a shelf in the bathroom.) While I did always want twins, this is not what I had in mind...

I guess someday's are just harder then others.  Today was one of those days.  Everything seemed to pull on my heartstrings.  Seeing two of them deal with Type 1 day and and day out, is hard.  It's hard to see them wince when you put a site in.  It's hard to see them struggle to sit still so you can get that sensor in.  It's hard to see them cry when they pull a site out. Or when you realize the depth got changed on the lancet by accident and poked their little fingers deeper then it should have.

When you see your kiddo's struggle day in and day out it's just exhausting and today was an exhausting one for me.

Dear Diabetes

Dear Diabetes, 

We have had you as an unwelcome guest is my house for almost 2 years now.  I am tired of you.  I want you to go away, but I know  you can't. You are here to stay.  I have to deal with you rather I like it or not.  

The problem is that you make my life much more complicated.  My life is already complicated.  I didn't need one more thing to make it even crazier.  Seriously?  Are you hearing me here?  Especially the past week.  The roller coaster you have put me and Lovebug on is just, well simply put; Hell.  She doesn't feel good, I am even more exhausted then I normally am (up until now I didn't think that was possible) and my moods are as up and down as Lovebug's blood sugar numbers.  

You are not helping matters at all.  I understand you are here to stay but could you just behave for more then a couple days at a time?  So this exhausted, overworked and stressed out mom could get a bit of a reprieve?  Would that be too much to ask?  Probably, huh?

That's what I thought, but no harm is asking, right?  

Even though there are days, sometimes weeks at a time when you make my family's life just downright miserable, I will not let you steal my joy.  I will not let you get me down.  There are too many other good things in my life for me to let you make my life gloomy.  


So there, take that Diabetes.  

Last Minute

After one horribly long day I am sitting here wishing it wasn't 11pm at night.  Where did the time go today?? I started earlier today and never got it finished.  Time (and sleep) have certainly slipped away from me the past 24 hours.  


I spent last night up every hour from 11p until 3:30a chasing low blood sugars. Apparently her blood sugar didn't want to go above 86 last night. (this was after 3 juice boxes)  *sigh*  I finally got it up to 106 at 3:30a decided to let Dexie let me know if she went low again. (with a decreased basal rate of 40%, truthfully I was so frustrated that I almost just disconnected the pump.)  I actually ended up with a 2 hour stretch of sleep, but that was it.  


Now it is time to start checking again and I am just praying that I don't end up with another night like last night.  I NEED sleep.  I am so tired my eyelids feel heavy.  I didn't even know that could really happen, until I became a sleep deprived D Mama.  


Anyway, now I am off to bed so sleep can be attempted.  Did I mention that I am the ONLY person awake in my home right now?? (rolls eyes)


Good night my friends!  

Night Sweats...

No, I am not talking about Menopause here ladies...


It's the night sweats I get  when I wake up and realize that I slept through my 2:30 am alarm and didn't check Lovebug.  Us D Mamas have all been there, right? 


Did that this morning.  Holy heart attack!  I realized when I woke up at 4:30am, two hours after the fact.  I must have turned the alarm off in my sleep.  NOT a good night to sleep through it either!  We changed Dexie's sensor last night before bed and quite often we get those stupid "???" on Dexie part of the night when we do an evening change.  


So I woke up panicking that there were ??? on Dexie and I had missed a low.  NOT the way I like to wake up. I grabbed the meter and ran upstairs.  Some relief setting in when I saw she was still breathing then looked at Dexie, 150 and steady. Another HUGE sigh of relief.  Then finger poke, 145.  (good job Dexie!)  


Now that it's over I can't get back to sleep.  :(  Too wide awake.  Too many thoughts still going through my head.  


I really despise all those negative thoughts that run through my head when this happens. Why do I have to go "there" every single time! I know all my D Mamas have been there but it never gets easier when you wake up in a panic like that.  I'm pretty sure every time it happens, it's worse then the last time.  


I know non - D parents have woke up worried about their kids. It' a regular thing with us D Mamas.  We stare our kids mortality in the face each and every day.  I wish I could say that it gets easier, but for me it hasn't.  The further a long we get in our journey the worse it gets.  I know more of what can happen now and that realization that Diabetes could take her life is very real.  A little too real.  


I walk that fine line between trusting God and worrying. The controlling/worrying part of me wants to hang on to her, hold her tight and never let go.  It wants to do everything in my power to keep her safe and healthy.  That's a good thing, but I have to trust God at the same time, knowing everything is in His control. Not mine.  I am just here for the ride.  (I know, easier said then done) 


One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7a 
" 6. Don't worry about anything, instead; pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." (New Living Translation)


With that said, I pray for peace for all of you, no matter where you are in life right now or what your struggles are.  Life is hard but we can use all the help we can get!


 I Love you ALL! 

Those little thoughts in the back of my head...

A couple days ago Lora over at My Diabetic Child talked about some of her quiet fears and some things she is secretly thankful for. 


She asked what our fears where and what we are secretly thankful for.  Here are my (secret) fears. 


...every time she sleeps late or takes a nap that is longer then normal, I worry the worse has happened. It's all I can do to not go in and wake her up.  Sometimes I do sneak into her room to watch her chest and make sure she is still breathing.


...that I will do something in my sleep deprived state to hurt her and I will be declared an unfit mother.  


...that Lovebug will rebel when she gets older.


...that she won't live a long life.


...that we won't get to see her graduate, get married or have a family of her own.  


...that my other two girls will resent Lovebug because they think she gets more attention then them. Although I try my best to make sure it is NOT that way.  Sometimes the extra "attention" just can't be avoided. 


...that with all my hard work keeping her blood sugars under control, It may not be enough to stop the complications. Or worse. 


...that I am overprotective of Lovebug and smother her.  


...that she would get lost and die because no one knows how to take care of her.  


I really could go on and on. Ultimately, I know she is in God's hands and that is comfort enough.  
(although I have to remind myself of this numerous times a day, hey I'm not perfect)

Emotional Ramblings

I have been thinking about what to write all day.  Usually I have this decided the day before but I decided to be a busy body  yesterday and never actually had time to sit down and think about it. Today has been a really good day, I feel like I don't get too many of those these days so I treasure the ones I do get. 


This afternoon, I was sitting in the living room and Lovebug was across the room on the couch.  I saw her wake up about 4 or 5 times because Dexie kept vibrating. Dexie had double arrows down, which means Lovebug's blood sugar is dropping rapidly. This happens a lot, especially after I give her a correction dose.  For the most part she will go down to her target range and then even out.  Today, like so many days after lunch, (for some reason this is becoming a normal thing after lunch, dropping about and 45 minutes after she eats) she had double arrows down and just kept going.  I was keeping a close eye on her and walked out of the room for a minute.  When I came back, she was out. (the only 20 minutes she napped all afternoon.) 


I thought to myself that she must be exhausted going from 238 down to 133 in a half hour.  I wonder what that feels like.  It must be miserable.  At that moment, like so many other moments, I had tears in my eyes.  


My baby shouldn't have to go through this.  She shouldn't have to feel that way and deal with this horrible disease.  At that moment I asked God, (in my head) why her?  Why couldn't you have just given it to me?  Why does she have to suffer?  Why do any of these kids have to suffer?  It's heartbreaking and emotional.  


Even though I may never know why she was chosen to fight this horrible disease, it is a blessing to see her be so strong.  She is so brave. Braver then I would be if it was me. Even though I would take it from her in a heartbeat,  I question whether or not I could really handle it.  Seeing her be so brave and strong has made me stronger.  


(in some ways) I'm glad she isn't too aware of things yet.  At least she doesn't voice that she is.  I know that day is coming when she will, but I dread it anyway.  Part of me wants her to stay so innocent and not fully understand what she has to "look forward" to later in life.  The obstacles and stereotypes she will have to overcome.    


All of it makes me sad and sometimes mad.  I try not to think about it but the fact is it's always in the back of my mind and the littlest thing can bring it to the front.  Veterans Day for example.  I think of all the Mothers and Fathers who have kids in Iraq or Afghanistan and how they worry.  I can relate and my heart breaks for them.  I worry about my child everyday. She (we) is (are) staring her mortality in the face everyday just as those brave soldiers are overseas.  Yes, totally different circumstances but the worry is the same. The worry of losing our children.  


I wish to God I could just forget about it and live life, but I can't.  It's a burden that I carry with me always.  I can't get away from it because her diabetes isn't going away anytime soon. It is in every part of my life. It follows me where ever I go, even in my sleep.  Shoot, I can't even get a full nights sleep because I have to get up at least a couple times a night to check her blood sugar. I can't just walk away from it.  I wish I could though!! 


I really hate this disease!  It consumes my life in so many ways.  I really wish it didn't but when you are talking about your child's life, how can something that affects them not consume you? 


In light of November being Diabetes Awareness Month, I have felt a deep need to educate and make people aware, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I will not apologize for bombarding you with information on Diabetes.  I'm doing this for my daughter and all of you out there will just have to deal with it.  I'm a fighter and fighting this disease had made me one tough chica! 


There you have it, my emotional rambling for the day.  

Would the Real ME Please Stand Up?!

NaBloPoMo Day 5


It has been 19 months. Nineteen months since my world was turned upside down.  Nineteen months since I have really felt like me....


You see, something changed in me on April 1, 2009. I  went to the hospital with one little girl and came home with another. I went in one person and came out another.  Lovebug went in living a pretty carefree life and came out dealing with the daily struggles of Type 1 Diabetes. I know she was the one who was diagnosed but sometimes I feel like it was me.  I wish it really had been me.  


I keep thinking that I will start feeling normal again, but I haven't.  I guess that's because I'm different. I look at the world differently.  Those rose colored glasses I used to have are now blue. Everything is seen through the filter of Diabetes.  


Now you may not see any changes on the outside but they are there. (mostly in my appearance; the dark circles under my eyes, my out of shape body, you get the point) You see the biggest change I have been through as been on the inside, where you can't see and where I can hide it. I've changed. I'm not the same wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. Sometimes I yearn for the old me. The one that was a little more carefree and didn't worry so much. I still like the same things and enjoy doing most of the same things.  But some of the things I used to care about are no longer important.  


It made me realize how quickly life can change; in a second really. I need to make the most of the time that is given to me.  That has meant distancing myself from people and things that I don't need. Things that weigh me down and stress me out. (although some of the stresses I am doomed to have forever, I just can't get away from them) I need to focus on the things that really matter to me.


I have realized that since I need to make the most of my time that means taking some time for ME.  That is hard.  I am a giver.  I will give until I am about to pass out but I have a hard time taking.  Especially taking time for me.  I love my husband and kids more then words can express but I know in order to be the best wife, mother and friend I can be I need to take some time for ME.  I just regret that it has taken so long after Lovebug's diagnosis to make me realize it.  


So, starting today, I am going to make some changes. Some changes to get some of  the real "ME" back.  (I say some because there is a part of me that will never be the same) 


The first one will be to start working out EVERY DAY!! (weekday) I need to get back in shape. If I can get back in shape and exercise I will have more energy to do and deal with everything. Still haven't figured out the best time to work out but I am thinking this will mean getting up a little earlier then I already am.  There won't be any lounging around in the morning anymore!


Second is something (although NOT second in importance) is being in God's word everyday. Faith is important to me and this is an area that I have been lacking in.  I need my faith to get me through.  The fear, pain and worry are sometimes still unbearable. If I didn't have my faith, I'm not sure where I would be.  (probably in a mental institution!) 


The last thing is getting back on a schedule.  I used to have two set days I did laundry each week.  I had a day I cleaned the bathroom and a day that I dusted.  You get the point. Right now it just seems to be when ever I notice that things are "dirty".  Honesty that drives me crazy.  I like order and when there is no (or little) order I tend to stress out. 


So maybe in a few months I will have a fitter me, a more sane me, and a clean house.  I can be hopeful, right?  :) At least I will be giving it a try and that is what really matters. 

Pity Party...

I wanted this to be a happy post, about blogging all month and the such.  But to be honest.  I had a really bad day.  Circumstances in my life have yet again slapped me in the face and slapped me hard.  I have to get back up and keep going but every time it is getting a little harder.

I could probably handle it if I wasn't dealing with diabetes on top of it all.  I am really at a lost for words.  I don't if I should be upset, mad, angry, frustrated or whatever emotion you can think of.  I have taken it to God numerous times only to get a maybe or no.  Then just when I think things might be looking up I get slammed with something else.  Sigh. I'm just not sure why this circumstance can't be resolved.  I take one step forward to take about 20 steps back.  I fight my way back and then it happens all over again.  

Only this time I'm not crying or upset.  I'm a little sad, I guess.  My heart still hurts though.  I wonder if it will always be like this??  Is this just my lot in life?  I see others living pretty normal lives. Right now, mine feels anything but normal.  

I think that is the end of my "pity party".  I feel like I just ramble on and on about it and I have deleted numerous paragraphs so I'm just going to leave it at this.  Thanks again for listening and joining me on this journey.  

L-I-F-E

What has life become?

That question has been on my mind a lot lately.

It feels like it became a HUGE twisted up knot the day the Lovebug was diagnosed.  Ever since then I haven't been every successful at unraveling it.

I've really been struggling with finding contentment with where I am in life right now; what life has become like for our family.  Seriously, it is a mess.  A good mess, at times.  At other times a horrible mess.

I find myself struggling with being happy with where God has put our family.  Our circumstances in life.  I don't want my circumstances to define who I am yet they are a huge part of me because my circumstances are not likely to change anytime soon.  I have a hard time not  wishing that things were different.  While at the same time I know that this is exactly where God wants us and there is a purpose for it.

I am stronger because of diabetes.  My marriage is stronger because of diabetes. But my marriage has also suffered.  Lovebug has suffered.  Peanut and Princess have suffered.  Nobody gets all of me, they only get little parts of me, the parts that I can spare.  Peanut doesn't understand why I go on all of Lovebug's school field trips but can't go on hers.  Princess doesn't understand why Lovebug can have Starbust and she can't.

It's been said that you can't ever really appreciate what you have until you loose it all.  Your struggles in life will make you stronger.  While I know that is true in my heart, I find myself trying to convince my mind of that at times.  I may not have lost it all but a hurricane sure came through and blew things up.

Things are not the way there are supposed to be. This is not what I wanted for my family.  This is not what I wanted for Lovebug.  I know that He has great plans for her but why do I still get mad and frustrated that He choose this life for us?  Why can't I just accept it, be happy and move on? He says He will not give us more then we can handle; apparently I am stronger then I thought.  Why do I feel so weak then?

It's not fair.  Not fair at all.  I feel like a little kid. I want to just throw a temper tantrum.  I know it won't really help, but maybe it would get my point across.  Probably not.  Tantrums don't work.  Nothing works.

I can't do anything to change my circumstances right now.  I can change the attitude and way that I look at them.  Although that is much easier said then done.

Crazy Cycle

Lately it seems like it only takes me seconds to go from sad to happy to crying to happy again.  It's a never ending cycle of craziness.

I know that's what diabetes does.  It can turn on a dime, in seconds really.  One minute you are going along just fine then the next you are low.  Then so very quickly it will turn around and you are high. Diabetes reeks havoc on Lovebug's body, and on my emotions.

It's this crazy cycle that I ride every minute of every hour of every day.  24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I really struggle with sounding either happy all the time or grumpy and sad. There seems to be no happy medium for me. Then in the blink of an eye, anything anyone says or does can make my emotions do another 360 degree turn.   I just haven't been able to find that happy medium since diabetes started reeking havoc on my family's life a 17 months ago.

I'm sure a lot of it comes from lack of sleep.  The longest stretch of sleep I have gotten in the past 17 months is 6 hours.  It's like having a newborn in the house the never gets on a schedule and never grows up.  One night I can be up ever other hour, then next just a couple times and the next night only once.

Then when friends or family ask me to do something for them I feel horrible telling them no, but seriously I am running so thin....just one more thing might make be break, and I know that is hard for them to understand.  It is also hard for me because I am not the selfish type.  Lord knows that we are in no way rich in the money department, so I give of my times and talents as much I can.  Problem is, that is a lot less these days.  It's hard, really hard.  I love helping people out.

I feel like everyone gets just a little part of me, when I used to be able to give my all to everyone.

I always feel like I am explaining myself to everyone too.  It's just plain frustrating!!  I'm pretty sure my hubby and my D Mamas are the only ones who really get it.  I want my friends and family to know what it's like but how do I explain it to them without sounding like I am complaining all the time?  Or do I just not talk about it?

On the other hand I feel like if I do tell friends and family what it is really like day to day they will think I am complaining or never happy. I don't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer".   But I'm not sure it's any better to mask my feelings and just pretend that everything is okay and under control all the time either.  

It's just a crazy cycle that I just can't seem to get out of....
 

 

Ups and Downs

 This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Really, everyday with D is a emotional roller coaster, but this week as been more so then normal.

I started out the week having Dexie still and leaving Love Bug for the whole day on Monday.  (see Survivor post) Then Wednesday came and Dexie quit on us. Let me tell you, seeing the warning for the sensor shut down and the time clock counting down, really unnerved me.  It was like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.  It sucked. 

I cried when it stopped.  Dexie made me feel safer and more in control of Love Bug's blood sugar.  It's a little window into what her body is doing.  To be honest, after a week, I am shocked at what her body is doing!  She was spiking into the 400's after breakfast and I didn't even know it.  I didn't always check her between breakfast and lunch unless I suspected something was up. It's not because I didn't want to, it's because I just don't want to have to poke her poor little fingers more then is necessary.  Then she would usually be back in range by lunch time.  We started bolusing her 10-15 minutes before she eats, but that wasn't even making a difference! (at first anyway)  It turns out we needed to change her I:C ratio for breakfast along with bolusing 10 to 15 minutes before she eats.  I have brought her I:C ratio down three times now and we are starting to get somewhere, finally!  She spiked at 282 this morning, which is MUCH better then the 400's where we were at a week ago.  I would still like to see her spike no higher then 200,  but I'm sure I am in a dream world there. (I think between 200 and 240 would be perfect!) 

Then yesterday afternoon I got a call from my insurance company that Love Bug was already approved we just needed to get the paperwork to our Endocrine and have them fax over the Certificate of Medical Necessity.  They told me that once that was done they could send Dexie right out! As in we could have her by Saturday!! I was OVER. THE. MOON!!!  Let me clarify here, my insurance company uses a medical supply company and they have already have it, they just need permission from the Doctor to release it. Once they release it they overnight it to me and I get it the next day.  I was on cloud nine!!  Notice I say was....

When I went to the Endocrine to drop Dexie off this morning, the nurse told me that they had to download the data from the receiver and have the Doctor look at it.(I'm thinking that means it will be at least a couple days until I hear from them) Then someone, probably my diabetes educator, would give us a call.  So, they are dragging their feet. 

There is a chance the doctor won't let them send it to me directly if they want to do "training" with me.  Seriously, I read the manual cover to cover and watched my educator put the sensor and transmitter on Audrey.  It isn't any different then doing a site change, VERY self explanatory in my opinion, especially if you have a pump.  I'm hopeful that won't be the case.  There is a small chance I could still have it by the weekend, IF my diabetes educator is back tomorrow. That is a very BIG if.  The nurse said she thought she would be back tomorrow, but who knows.  I'm just going to figure I'll get Dexie sometime next week, and look on the bright side that one week is MUCH better then the two to three weeks I expected it to take.  If we get her sooner, it will be a blessing!  In the meantime, I am going to try to be patient, which is really hard for me to do when it comes to Love Bug and D. 

On a brighter note, I found more of Bret Michael's Trop-A-Rocka Tea at the grocery store today and that made me smile a whole bunch! A part of the sales go to the ADA, which is great! Although if I were to choose it would have been the JDRF, but ADA is the next best thing. I actually splurged and bought two cases of it (by cases I mean 6 packs, you can't buy them as singles) just in case I don't find anymore after this.  I am very addicted to the stuff, which is sad since it will only be around for a short time. I guess I will just have to stock up on it whenever I see it!

Needless to say, I will be glad to have this week over and done with!