Thursday, November 11, 2010

Emotional Ramblings

I have been thinking about what to write all day.  Usually I have this decided the day before but I decided to be a busy body  yesterday and never actually had time to sit down and think about it. Today has been a really good day, I feel like I don't get too many of those these days so I treasure the ones I do get. 

This afternoon, I was sitting in the living room and Lovebug was across the room on the couch.  I saw her wake up about 4 or 5 times because Dexie kept vibrating. Dexie had double arrows down, which means Lovebug's blood sugar is dropping rapidly. This happens a lot, especially after I give her a correction dose.  For the most part she will go down to her target range and then even out.  Today, like so many days after lunch, (for some reason this is becoming a normal thing after lunch, dropping about and 45 minutes after she eats) she had double arrows down and just kept going.  I was keeping a close eye on her and walked out of the room for a minute.  When I came back, she was out. (the only 20 minutes she napped all afternoon.) 

I thought to myself that she must be exhausted going from 238 down to 133 in a half hour.  I wonder what that feels like.  It must be miserable.  At that moment, like so many other moments, I had tears in my eyes.  

My baby shouldn't have to go through this.  She shouldn't have to feel that way and deal with this horrible disease.  At that moment I asked God, (in my head) why her?  Why couldn't you have just given it to me?  Why does she have to suffer?  Why do any of these kids have to suffer?  It's heartbreaking and emotional.  

Even though I may never know why she was chosen to fight this horrible disease, it is a blessing to see her be so strong.  She is so brave. Braver then I would be if it was me. Even though I would take it from her in a heartbeat,  I question whether or not I could really handle it.  Seeing her be so brave and strong has made me stronger.  

(in some ways) I'm glad she isn't too aware of things yet.  At least she doesn't voice that she is.  I know that day is coming when she will, but I dread it anyway.  Part of me wants her to stay so innocent and not fully understand what she has to "look forward" to later in life.  The obstacles and stereotypes she will have to overcome.    

All of it makes me sad and sometimes mad.  I try not to think about it but the fact is it's always in the back of my mind and the littlest thing can bring it to the front.  Veterans Day for example.  I think of all the Mothers and Fathers who have kids in Iraq or Afghanistan and how they worry.  I can relate and my heart breaks for them.  I worry about my child everyday. She (we) is (are) staring her mortality in the face everyday just as those brave soldiers are overseas.  Yes, totally different circumstances but the worry is the same. The worry of losing our children.  

I wish to God I could just forget about it and live life, but I can't.  It's a burden that I carry with me always.  I can't get away from it because her diabetes isn't going away anytime soon. It is in every part of my life. It follows me where ever I go, even in my sleep.  Shoot, I can't even get a full nights sleep because I have to get up at least a couple times a night to check her blood sugar. I can't just walk away from it.  I wish I could though!! 

I really hate this disease!  It consumes my life in so many ways.  I really wish it didn't but when you are talking about your child's life, how can something that affects them not consume you? 

In light of November being Diabetes Awareness Month, I have felt a deep need to educate and make people aware, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I will not apologize for bombarding you with information on Diabetes.  I'm doing this for my daughter and all of you out there will just have to deal with it.  I'm a fighter and fighting this disease had made me one tough chica! 

There you have it, my emotional rambling for the day.  


Lora said...

Deep Breath... Exhale! That's all we can do. I find that Justin drops like a rock when I correct him also. If I correct helps to correct and give a snack about 15 minutes later.. kinda slows it down.

Heidi / D-Tales said...

As much as D affects our kids physically, it affects us emotionally. I think most of us D mamas wish we could take D away from our kids.

Kudos to you for working so hard to educate and raise awareness!

Wendy said...

Hugging you and praying for a peaceful heart.

It's hard, Heather.

And, as mothers, we can't stand the idea that another child will be dx tomorrow. We want the people we care about to recognize the seriousness of this dx...praying they'll catch it early and learn everything they can...

And we don't want our sweet children to grow up with the burden of blame. We want to set the record straight.

And we will.

Lani said...

We hit an all time low yesterday of 23. I was so worried and wondered too how it feels to our poor kids. No rest for the weary I guess. Love reading your blog.

Reyna said...

You ARE ONE TOUGH CHICA for sure. AND I thank you for all you do in educating and spreading awareness Heather. You do it from the heart, you are REAL, and I appreciate that.

Hallie said...

You are tough! You are strong! You are amazing! I have so many days just like the one you describe. Double arrows down. Incredible falls. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. It's my norm any more. Sometimes I look at her wonder what havoc D is causing in her little body. ANd my greatest wish is that it was me and not her. D hurts. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I hate it, too, Heather. I hate it, too. I wish I could give you a big hug right now!


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