What has life become?
That question has been on my mind a lot lately.
It feels like it became a HUGE twisted up knot the day the Lovebug was diagnosed. Ever since then I haven't been every successful at unraveling it.
I've really been struggling with finding contentment with where I am in life right now; what life has become like for our family. Seriously, it is a mess. A good mess, at times. At other times a horrible mess.
I find myself struggling with being happy with where God has put our family. Our circumstances in life. I don't want my circumstances to define who I am yet they are a huge part of me because my circumstances are not likely to change anytime soon. I have a hard time not wishing that things were different. While at the same time I know that this is exactly where God wants us and there is a purpose for it.
I am stronger because of diabetes. My marriage is stronger because of diabetes. But my marriage has also suffered. Lovebug has suffered. Peanut and Princess have suffered. Nobody gets all of me, they only get little parts of me, the parts that I can spare. Peanut doesn't understand why I go on all of Lovebug's school field trips but can't go on hers. Princess doesn't understand why Lovebug can have Starbust and she can't.
It's been said that you can't ever really appreciate what you have until you loose it all. Your struggles in life will make you stronger. While I know that is true in my heart, I find myself trying to convince my mind of that at times. I may not have lost it all but a hurricane sure came through and blew things up.
Things are not the way there are supposed to be. This is not what I wanted for my family. This is not what I wanted for Lovebug. I know that He has great plans for her but why do I still get mad and frustrated that He choose this life for us? Why can't I just accept it, be happy and move on? He says He will not give us more then we can handle; apparently I am stronger then I thought. Why do I feel so weak then?
It's not fair. Not fair at all. I feel like a little kid. I want to just throw a temper tantrum. I know it won't really help, but maybe it would get my point across. Probably not. Tantrums don't work. Nothing works.
I can't do anything to change my circumstances right now. I can change the attitude and way that I look at them. Although that is much easier said then done.