Wednesday, September 29, 2010

L-I-F-E

What has life become?

That question has been on my mind a lot lately.

It feels like it became a HUGE twisted up knot the day the Lovebug was diagnosed.  Ever since then I haven't been every successful at unraveling it.

I've really been struggling with finding contentment with where I am in life right now; what life has become like for our family.  Seriously, it is a mess.  A good mess, at times.  At other times a horrible mess.

I find myself struggling with being happy with where God has put our family.  Our circumstances in life.  I don't want my circumstances to define who I am yet they are a huge part of me because my circumstances are not likely to change anytime soon.  I have a hard time not  wishing that things were different.  While at the same time I know that this is exactly where God wants us and there is a purpose for it.

I am stronger because of diabetes.  My marriage is stronger because of diabetes. But my marriage has also suffered.  Lovebug has suffered.  Peanut and Princess have suffered.  Nobody gets all of me, they only get little parts of me, the parts that I can spare.  Peanut doesn't understand why I go on all of Lovebug's school field trips but can't go on hers.  Princess doesn't understand why Lovebug can have Starbust and she can't.

It's been said that you can't ever really appreciate what you have until you loose it all.  Your struggles in life will make you stronger.  While I know that is true in my heart, I find myself trying to convince my mind of that at times.  I may not have lost it all but a hurricane sure came through and blew things up.

Things are not the way there are supposed to be. This is not what I wanted for my family.  This is not what I wanted for Lovebug.  I know that He has great plans for her but why do I still get mad and frustrated that He choose this life for us?  Why can't I just accept it, be happy and move on? He says He will not give us more then we can handle; apparently I am stronger then I thought.  Why do I feel so weak then?

It's not fair.  Not fair at all.  I feel like a little kid. I want to just throw a temper tantrum.  I know it won't really help, but maybe it would get my point across.  Probably not.  Tantrums don't work.  Nothing works.

I can't do anything to change my circumstances right now.  I can change the attitude and way that I look at them.  Although that is much easier said then done.

3 comments:

Reyna said...

Heather,

I remember this place. I lived in it for a good long year and a half after Joe's diagnosis...then I lived there on and off for another 1/2 year...and then I clawed myself out of it...over the past couple of years. Once in awhile, I'll revisit it.

It is hard, It is sad, It is lonely, It is undescribable to someone who doesn't live it...the family dynamics, the food issues, the care, the everything...because in the end "d" does worm it's way into everything.

Hang in there....unfortunately, the only thing that helps is time.

Love you,

Reyna

Rachael said...

HUGS to you Heather.

I can't imagine what its like to take care of a D child, but I have, and still go through those same feelings being a D myself. I know what it's like to just want a "normal" day. One that doesn't involve counting, and worrying about everything. I know that it IS unfair to have to pay out lots of money and time for something you didn't ask for. I know that D parents may not have D themselves, but they are the ones poking, prodding, and just trying to live a normal life, and save their child's life. That's a huge job!

I don't know if this helps, but is normal, and not childish to want to have a tantrum, and maybe you should. Lock the car doors, and scream your head off! You deserve it! You are doing a wonderful job with your family, and you should never feel bad for having a less than sunny attitude! It does get easier with time. It's harder for you because YOU knew a life before diabetes, and that is a loss that deserves to be mourned.

Hang in there, and know that even you don't "know" everyone that reads your Blog, we are on the sidelines cheering you on!

YOU, AN AMAZING MOM!!

Lani said...

Can totally relate. Taylar and I both had a crying fit about a stupid lollipop yesterday that a boy in her class handed out to all the kids. It's just not easy. It's so constant and so there all the time. *sigh*
I Love your blog.

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