Struggling

Nablopomo ~ Day 25

I was looking at the girls numbers the other day.  Looking at averages over the past 30, 60 and 90 days.  It was an eye opener to say the least.  Well, maybe a heart attack would describe the feeling more appropriately.

I have always been really good at making little tweaks to Lovebug's numbers when I see trends and follow through. Honestly, I am a bit of a perfectionist about it, It is my kid's life I have in my hands here! How good I take care of her now may determine a lot of thing as she gets older. I want to give her every opportunity to live a long, happy life.  For a while I had a system going and it worked.  Now I find myself catching up looking at her numbers and thinking, I really should have made those changes weeks ago!  The system I had in place just does not work when you have two children with Type 1.  Mostly because I could remember all her blood sugar numbers in my head.  Now with two of them, that has flown out the window.

I am really struggling to maintain both of the girls blood sugar numbers on a consistent basis.  Trying to remember everything in my head worked with one Type 1 in the family. Not so much with two of them. I mix blood sugar numbers up in my head now and it's just now pretty.

After looking at both of their numbers the other night I about had a heart attack.  Lovebug's numbers are horrible!!  I don't think they have been like this since diagnosis! I'm slacking! I feel like I have let her down in some way, even though I know I am doing the best I can right now. I try not to let my emotions get in the way too much, but it's hard. Hard dealing with the emotional aspects of this disease and trying to do what you have to do on a daily basis to take care of their basic needs.

Most people tell me I am doing a wonderful job, but I am perfectionist here, I would like perfect thank you very much!  Well, maybe not perfect but at a nice steady line.  Right now bg numbers are going up and up and up and up.....

And yet here I sit, making tweaks here and there. But I'm not making the aggressive tweaks that I need to and Lovebug's averages are up as well as Princess's. In all honesty, it's kind embarrassing! I feel like I have been "lazy" in making changes and now the girls are paying for it.  I find myself wanting to call my CDE and have her look at the girls numbers and make changes rather then having to think about it myself.  It just seems overwhelming still.

Maybe that is why their numbers are up, I have been trying to do too much myself.  Yet, I know how to do this and for the past two years I have been handling Lovebug's really well.  I just can't seem to get a handle on the second one.  I know it will come, but it's still a struggle. Someday's I wonder if I will ever stop struggling with it and come to terms with all this like I did with Lovebug.  I have to someday, right?

L-I-F-E

What has life become?

That question has been on my mind a lot lately.

It feels like it became a HUGE twisted up knot the day the Lovebug was diagnosed.  Ever since then I haven't been every successful at unraveling it.

I've really been struggling with finding contentment with where I am in life right now; what life has become like for our family.  Seriously, it is a mess.  A good mess, at times.  At other times a horrible mess.

I find myself struggling with being happy with where God has put our family.  Our circumstances in life.  I don't want my circumstances to define who I am yet they are a huge part of me because my circumstances are not likely to change anytime soon.  I have a hard time not  wishing that things were different.  While at the same time I know that this is exactly where God wants us and there is a purpose for it.

I am stronger because of diabetes.  My marriage is stronger because of diabetes. But my marriage has also suffered.  Lovebug has suffered.  Peanut and Princess have suffered.  Nobody gets all of me, they only get little parts of me, the parts that I can spare.  Peanut doesn't understand why I go on all of Lovebug's school field trips but can't go on hers.  Princess doesn't understand why Lovebug can have Starbust and she can't.

It's been said that you can't ever really appreciate what you have until you loose it all.  Your struggles in life will make you stronger.  While I know that is true in my heart, I find myself trying to convince my mind of that at times.  I may not have lost it all but a hurricane sure came through and blew things up.

Things are not the way there are supposed to be. This is not what I wanted for my family.  This is not what I wanted for Lovebug.  I know that He has great plans for her but why do I still get mad and frustrated that He choose this life for us?  Why can't I just accept it, be happy and move on? He says He will not give us more then we can handle; apparently I am stronger then I thought.  Why do I feel so weak then?

It's not fair.  Not fair at all.  I feel like a little kid. I want to just throw a temper tantrum.  I know it won't really help, but maybe it would get my point across.  Probably not.  Tantrums don't work.  Nothing works.

I can't do anything to change my circumstances right now.  I can change the attitude and way that I look at them.  Although that is much easier said then done.