Monday, July 25, 2011

Struggling

Nablopomo ~ Day 25

I was looking at the girls numbers the other day.  Looking at averages over the past 30, 60 and 90 days.  It was an eye opener to say the least.  Well, maybe a heart attack would describe the feeling more appropriately.

I have always been really good at making little tweaks to Lovebug's numbers when I see trends and follow through. Honestly, I am a bit of a perfectionist about it, It is my kid's life I have in my hands here! How good I take care of her now may determine a lot of thing as she gets older. I want to give her every opportunity to live a long, happy life.  For a while I had a system going and it worked.  Now I find myself catching up looking at her numbers and thinking, I really should have made those changes weeks ago!  The system I had in place just does not work when you have two children with Type 1.  Mostly because I could remember all her blood sugar numbers in my head.  Now with two of them, that has flown out the window.

I am really struggling to maintain both of the girls blood sugar numbers on a consistent basis.  Trying to remember everything in my head worked with one Type 1 in the family. Not so much with two of them. I mix blood sugar numbers up in my head now and it's just now pretty.

After looking at both of their numbers the other night I about had a heart attack.  Lovebug's numbers are horrible!!  I don't think they have been like this since diagnosis! I'm slacking! I feel like I have let her down in some way, even though I know I am doing the best I can right now. I try not to let my emotions get in the way too much, but it's hard. Hard dealing with the emotional aspects of this disease and trying to do what you have to do on a daily basis to take care of their basic needs.

Most people tell me I am doing a wonderful job, but I am perfectionist here, I would like perfect thank you very much!  Well, maybe not perfect but at a nice steady line.  Right now bg numbers are going up and up and up and up.....

And yet here I sit, making tweaks here and there. But I'm not making the aggressive tweaks that I need to and Lovebug's averages are up as well as Princess's. In all honesty, it's kind embarrassing! I feel like I have been "lazy" in making changes and now the girls are paying for it.  I find myself wanting to call my CDE and have her look at the girls numbers and make changes rather then having to think about it myself.  It just seems overwhelming still.

Maybe that is why their numbers are up, I have been trying to do too much myself.  Yet, I know how to do this and for the past two years I have been handling Lovebug's really well.  I just can't seem to get a handle on the second one.  I know it will come, but it's still a struggle. Someday's I wonder if I will ever stop struggling with it and come to terms with all this like I did with Lovebug.  I have to someday, right?

7 comments:

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

Someday, yes. But until then, cut yourself some slack...as hard as that is!!...and give your CDE a call...that's what they are there for!
I was looking over Bean's numbers and know there are changes to be made but haven't 'committed' to those changes because her schedule is so variable right now....needs a basal increase on those 'slow days' of summer but that increase would be too much for this week while she's at day camp!
Kinda looking forward to school in a few weeks so there's a schedule to base changes on more confidently!

Diane D said...

I haven't been watching numbers as carefully around here either and I have been berating myself for it as well. I say we are both due a little forgiveness.

Cortney said...

You are certainly too hard on yourself, but I know how easy it is to think you aren't doing enough. Think back to where you were 3-4 months after Lovebug's diagnosis, and the difference between you then and now. I remember Princess' birthday party that year, and how stressed you were and still struggling with even the idea of Type 1, and I know you feel you are now but it's with different things - you are now struggling to make their lives better instead of fighting that learning curve. Don't forget to delegate what you can, and certainly ask for help where you need it because there are so many of us that love you and the girls are willing, but mostly we don't know what we can do without you asking. If that little bit of help lets you enjoy their smiling faces more and feel better about how much you are doing yourself then it will so be worth it. Hang in there, and know people are here for you whenever you need it.

WendyP said...

Funny Heather but I was just thinking this exact thing myself. Why am I not sending his numbers in to the CDE like I used to? Things are clearly not going as well as they should be. I'm not getting his numbers under control, so I should be sending them in and getting some help, but for some reason I resist. I guess I feel like I should know how to do this by now.

Lora said...

You ARE doing great. I can only imagine how much more crazy it is to keep track of two. I doubt I could keep up with the numbers... I have a hard enough time with just Justins.

I DO believe that one day you WILL stop stuggling. You WILL get to a point where its not overwhelming anymore.

I can remember when I had those same feelings about Justin's care. It just takes time, right?

Trev said...

I did the same thing the other day, and looked at my 2 type 1's avg's. And like you I felt instant guilt, like I was destroying their future. Then I took some deep breaths, and remembered that for the first 10 years I had Type 1, my control was at best a guess, and now 28 yrs later, I am doing fine, great retina's, working kidneys, and both legs, fine. We need to forgive ourselves, call in the Team, and take another "go" at trending and tweaking! Hope you are feeling better, and take care of yourself, lots of Diabetes in da house is totally freakin exausting!
Cheers!

Trev

Hallie said...

I'm sorry, Heather!! I know it will all come together for you. It will. It's just and adjustment period all over again!! I know it's hard to think that way when it's your kids we're talking about. But... You are doing a great job. No matter what the numbers say!

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