As my hubby and I were doing two site changes and two sensor changes with the girls tonight, the thought crossed my mind that this is becoming normal. Two of everything. Two bottles of insulin. Two infusion sites for pumps. Two pumps. Two resevoirs for the pumps. Two sets of IV Prep and Unisolve. Two of everything. I think that we are finally settling into a routine when it comes to blood sugar checks, site changes and sensor changes. The routine seems, well, routine. The rest of it, not so much.
It just shouldn't be this way. While we have a "routine" it still doesn't seem "real" to me. I think 3 months later it is still sinking in. In someways I wish it would just hurry up and hit me. On the other hand I treasure the days when I don't mope around the house all day (or feel like moping) It feels like I am in a "dream" (someday's) and I will wake up one day and realize that this isn't real. Lovebug was supposes to be the one with Type 1. Not Princess. Lovebug was the one I would have to worry about all the time. Not Princess. She wasn't supposed to be part of the equation. At ALL.
Don't worry, I'm not delusional. I really do know I'm not in a dream. Although sometimes I do wish it was a bad dream that I could wake up from and everything would go back to our "old" normal. Not this new normal of doing twice the work to get anything accomplished. Not twice the worrying and twice the amount of diabetes supplies in my closet. (Have I mentioned that the supplies have taken over my linen closet! My towels no long fit in there. I have to keep them on a shelf in the bathroom.) While I did always want twins, this is not what I had in mind...
I guess someday's are just harder then others. Today was one of those days. Everything seemed to pull on my heartstrings. Seeing two of them deal with Type 1 day and and day out, is hard. It's hard to see them wince when you put a site in. It's hard to see them struggle to sit still so you can get that sensor in. It's hard to see them cry when they pull a site out. Or when you realize the depth got changed on the lancet by accident and poked their little fingers deeper then it should have.
When you see your kiddo's struggle day in and day out it's just exhausting and today was an exhausting one for me.
It just shouldn't be this way. While we have a "routine" it still doesn't seem "real" to me. I think 3 months later it is still sinking in. In someways I wish it would just hurry up and hit me. On the other hand I treasure the days when I don't mope around the house all day (or feel like moping) It feels like I am in a "dream" (someday's) and I will wake up one day and realize that this isn't real. Lovebug was supposes to be the one with Type 1. Not Princess. Lovebug was the one I would have to worry about all the time. Not Princess. She wasn't supposed to be part of the equation. At ALL.
Don't worry, I'm not delusional. I really do know I'm not in a dream. Although sometimes I do wish it was a bad dream that I could wake up from and everything would go back to our "old" normal. Not this new normal of doing twice the work to get anything accomplished. Not twice the worrying and twice the amount of diabetes supplies in my closet. (Have I mentioned that the supplies have taken over my linen closet! My towels no long fit in there. I have to keep them on a shelf in the bathroom.) While I did always want twins, this is not what I had in mind...
I guess someday's are just harder then others. Today was one of those days. Everything seemed to pull on my heartstrings. Seeing two of them deal with Type 1 day and and day out, is hard. It's hard to see them wince when you put a site in. It's hard to see them struggle to sit still so you can get that sensor in. It's hard to see them cry when they pull a site out. Or when you realize the depth got changed on the lancet by accident and poked their little fingers deeper then it should have.
When you see your kiddo's struggle day in and day out it's just exhausting and today was an exhausting one for me.
8 comments:
:( I can only imagine.....I hope tomorrow is a better day and time heals your heart. Just because you already had one child with "D" doesn't mean the 2nd dx hurts any less :(
((((hugs))))
all I can say is that it sucks! I know how hard it is for me day in and day out with Joshua. Jackson having it tooo.. that would be heart renching. I know it is hard for you and while I cant offer you anything but support I am here and ready to listen if you need it. Big hugs from VA
Having to have two of everything and do everything twice and worry twice as much is way more than twice as difficult!
I have a hard time some days with just Bean...my heart goes out to you with Princess and LoveBug!
I wish I had something profound and comforting to say :(
All I got is ((((hugs)))) and a shoulder if you need.
I think the "routine" is most likely what is keeping you sane right now...in time it will all seem real Heather. As you know, it is a lot to accept. In your own time you will emerge from this difficult place that you find yourself in. You will. You are simply amazing.
I have those days myself... where everything makes me think and tugs at my emotions.
I know I only have one T1, but I think with Justin's multiple dx's I can somewhat relate... more worry. More stress. One is enough all the way around.
Love you :)
We all have those days. sometimes I get so upset and then others it's just second nature. She wouldn't want you to be upsest, just be there for her and we are all here for you!!!
You make a very good point that the routine of site changes, etc. becomes routine...but there is nothing routine about D itself. It is a constant on my mind and I can't even imagine multiplying that by 2. I think of you and your family SO often. Sending many hugs to you!
Post a Comment