Truthfully

It's been one month since diabetes made a second appearance in our lives.  Princess diagnosis turned my world upside down, yet again.  Just when I was starting to be "accepting" and getting used to our "new normal" with Lovebug. Honestly, I should have known better, every time I get comfortable with something another "problem" or trial comes along.   Never in a million years would I have thought a second diagnosis would be right around the corner!

This second diagnosis has been MUCH harder then the first.  First of all - NO ONE should have to deal with this.  One diagnosis is enough!  Two is just....there really are now words (beyond belief, maybe?)

I know that shouldn't question why, but it happens.  I go there every once and a while. Not for long though. When I do I get angry, VERY angry.  I just don't understand.  What is it that makes ME (and my family) so STRONG that we were picked to carry this burden?  My shoulders carry enough, they really didn't need this too.  Apparently someone thinks I am capable!

I don't have the crutch of the "unknown" this time.  I know the realities.  I know the dangers.  I know the pain, anger and grief.  I have lived all of it the past two years since Lovebug's diagnosis.  My reality just plain stinks. I know what to expect, or at least I thought so.  It's just different this time.  I am just having a hard time putting it all into words.

Would the Real ME Please Stand Up?!

NaBloPoMo Day 5


It has been 19 months. Nineteen months since my world was turned upside down.  Nineteen months since I have really felt like me....


You see, something changed in me on April 1, 2009. I  went to the hospital with one little girl and came home with another. I went in one person and came out another.  Lovebug went in living a pretty carefree life and came out dealing with the daily struggles of Type 1 Diabetes. I know she was the one who was diagnosed but sometimes I feel like it was me.  I wish it really had been me.  


I keep thinking that I will start feeling normal again, but I haven't.  I guess that's because I'm different. I look at the world differently.  Those rose colored glasses I used to have are now blue. Everything is seen through the filter of Diabetes.  


Now you may not see any changes on the outside but they are there. (mostly in my appearance; the dark circles under my eyes, my out of shape body, you get the point) You see the biggest change I have been through as been on the inside, where you can't see and where I can hide it. I've changed. I'm not the same wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. Sometimes I yearn for the old me. The one that was a little more carefree and didn't worry so much. I still like the same things and enjoy doing most of the same things.  But some of the things I used to care about are no longer important.  


It made me realize how quickly life can change; in a second really. I need to make the most of the time that is given to me.  That has meant distancing myself from people and things that I don't need. Things that weigh me down and stress me out. (although some of the stresses I am doomed to have forever, I just can't get away from them) I need to focus on the things that really matter to me.


I have realized that since I need to make the most of my time that means taking some time for ME.  That is hard.  I am a giver.  I will give until I am about to pass out but I have a hard time taking.  Especially taking time for me.  I love my husband and kids more then words can express but I know in order to be the best wife, mother and friend I can be I need to take some time for ME.  I just regret that it has taken so long after Lovebug's diagnosis to make me realize it.  


So, starting today, I am going to make some changes. Some changes to get some of  the real "ME" back.  (I say some because there is a part of me that will never be the same) 


The first one will be to start working out EVERY DAY!! (weekday) I need to get back in shape. If I can get back in shape and exercise I will have more energy to do and deal with everything. Still haven't figured out the best time to work out but I am thinking this will mean getting up a little earlier then I already am.  There won't be any lounging around in the morning anymore!


Second is something (although NOT second in importance) is being in God's word everyday. Faith is important to me and this is an area that I have been lacking in.  I need my faith to get me through.  The fear, pain and worry are sometimes still unbearable. If I didn't have my faith, I'm not sure where I would be.  (probably in a mental institution!) 


The last thing is getting back on a schedule.  I used to have two set days I did laundry each week.  I had a day I cleaned the bathroom and a day that I dusted.  You get the point. Right now it just seems to be when ever I notice that things are "dirty".  Honesty that drives me crazy.  I like order and when there is no (or little) order I tend to stress out. 


So maybe in a few months I will have a fitter me, a more sane me, and a clean house.  I can be hopeful, right?  :) At least I will be giving it a try and that is what really matters.