One Blurry Year Coming to an End!

One word to sum up 2011.  Blurry.

This past year pretty much seems like a big blur.  It started out pretty good.  I started my Thirty-One business and it has thrived and grown more then I could have imagined this past year.

We celebrated Lovebug's 5th birthday and her 2nd Diaversary.

Then, the unexpected happened.  One of my worst nightmares came true when Princess was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in April.  The SAME month that Lovebug was diagnosed.  Just 10 days apart.  I remember wondering if this was really happening or if I was dreaming.  It was a little like being hit Mac truck a thousand times over. It was horrible.  (that is the understatement of the year right there!)  It took my breath away.  It made me rethink EVERYTHING.  It was literally all I could do to stay sane.  I really thought that I was going to loose my mind.

My D-mama's were a huge help. Even texting me when we were at the hospital to check up on me.  We were showered with meals,cards, gifts for the girls, and lots of well wishes.  We received many hugs and lots of support from friends, family and our church.

The rest of the year is pretty much a blur.  There were some really happy times in July when I got to meet up with my fellow D-Moms Misty and Hallie.  I also got to meet another D-mom Erin, who also got me hooked on Thirty-One!

Of course, I should know by now that when ever things start going smoothly over here something is about to hit the fan.  And it the fan it did.

In October we took Lovebug for her yearly diabetes blood draw and her Celiac Disease panel came back positive.  NOT something I was expecting. It hit me totally out of the blue...kind like Princess's diagnosis.  We don't have the "official" diagnosis yet but her biopsy is next week so these months of waiting will finally be over.  I'm not sure how I will feel if it comes back positive.  I have tried to prepare myself if it does, I don't think it will make it much easier if it does.  Maybe having months to think about it made it worse?  I don't know.  All I know is what my gut is telling me, and I am hoping that my gut is wrong this one time.

Needless to say starting out 2012 with a biopsy and possible Celiac diagnosis isn't the way I would have imagined we would be ringing in the new year but maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.

Truthfully

It's been one month since diabetes made a second appearance in our lives.  Princess diagnosis turned my world upside down, yet again.  Just when I was starting to be "accepting" and getting used to our "new normal" with Lovebug. Honestly, I should have known better, every time I get comfortable with something another "problem" or trial comes along.   Never in a million years would I have thought a second diagnosis would be right around the corner!

This second diagnosis has been MUCH harder then the first.  First of all - NO ONE should have to deal with this.  One diagnosis is enough!  Two is just....there really are now words (beyond belief, maybe?)

I know that shouldn't question why, but it happens.  I go there every once and a while. Not for long though. When I do I get angry, VERY angry.  I just don't understand.  What is it that makes ME (and my family) so STRONG that we were picked to carry this burden?  My shoulders carry enough, they really didn't need this too.  Apparently someone thinks I am capable!

I don't have the crutch of the "unknown" this time.  I know the realities.  I know the dangers.  I know the pain, anger and grief.  I have lived all of it the past two years since Lovebug's diagnosis.  My reality just plain stinks. I know what to expect, or at least I thought so.  It's just different this time.  I am just having a hard time putting it all into words.

One day at a time

What a week it has been ..

Last week at this time we had just returned from the emergency room with Princess with the horrible news that I would now be taking care of two children with Type 1 diabetes.

I guess if there is a silver lining in this....it's that we caught it early and I knew what to look for.  There was no long hospital stay either.

I didn't realize that the day after diagnosis would be harder then the day of.  Taking Princess to the endo for the first time was hard.  One of the hardest things I have ever done. (emotionally, anyway) We ended up in the same room that we were in when Lovebug was diagnosed.  It was surreal.  Princess sat in the same bean bag chairs that Lovebug adores so much.  Words just do not even do justice to my emotions.

We have the same CDE, Miss Sally and the same doctor for both girls.  Makes things a little easier, until Miss Sally came into the room. She looked ready to cry. She gave me a big hug and I couldn't help but cry. I really  could not believe this was happening.  Miss Sally taught us how to take care of Lovebug and now Princess. We haven't actually gotten to see our doctor yet.  He was at a conference that day, but I am sure the first few endo appointments for Princess are going to be hard.

I will never forget Princess when she got her Rufus bear. We pulled  Rufus out of the bag to show her and the tears flowed again.  She LOVES Rufus.  Lovebug didn't take to Rufus right away, but Princess did and she really has not let go of him much the past week.  Every time Princess gets a shot, Rufus has to get a shot too.  I am so glad her bear is such a comfort to her.

Princess with her Rufus bear

After we were done at the endo's office, we had to take her to get blood work done in the same place where Lovebug gets her done.  Lovebug does pretty good with her blood draws.  When it came to Princess, it took both my hubby and I to hold her down so they could get her blood.  It was the worst feeling EVER.  I left in tears.  

That's pretty much how the rest of the day went.  When we wanted to give her a shot she would scream and push us away.  She has ran away from us screaming, "I don't want a shot, Mommy!".  It is horrible.  Just plain horrible.  Lovebug never did that. She cried but she never screamed and never ran away from us.

Princess has been very vocal about her diabetes, something Lovebug has never really been.  Last Monday when I was talking her her about an insulin pump like her big sister's she told me that she doesn't want to have diabetes and she doesn't want a pump like Lovebug's either.  It just breaks my heart....(she changed her mind about the pump the next day.)

Wednesday morning when she got up, she showed me Rufus and said "This is Rufus, Mommy. He has diabetes just like me and Lovebug. But not like you and Daddy. You and Daddy don't have diabetes."  I could not believe those words were coming out of my 3 year old!

Even this morning at church when I picked her up, she told me..."I told my teacher that I have diabetes."  Seriously?!  It was all I could do to keep from tearing up.  Then of course I ran into someone who hadn't heard about the diagnosis and had to tell her.  I completely broke down.

Needless to say we are getting there, one day at a time.

In the blink of an eye

You never think it will really happen to you....and then it does.  And the whole world stands still.

It all started Saturday night.  Princess was up quite a few times to use the bathroom, which was very unusual for her but she had drank quite a bit that day so I didn't think much of it.  Needless to say between Princess being up "peeing" and Lovebug having stubborn high blood sugars....I was exhausted and so was my hubby.  

I had to drag my bum out of bed anyway.  I wanted to go to church and needed to since I had Easter Drama rehearsal.  Tim decided to stay home with the girls and get some extra sleep.   

When I got home from church a few hours later, Princess came up to me asking for a drink. My hubby stepped in and said "no", since she had just had a drink.  I sarcastically asked him if she had been drinking a lot that morning. No sooner had the words come out of my mouth and I was thinking back to the night before and Princess going to the bathroom, a lot. My hubby and I looked at each other. We knew what each other was thinking without even saying anything.  

My hubby went over to our diabetes supply cabinet and dug out our extra meter while I made the girls some sandwiches for lunch.  We decided to humor ourselves and put our minds at ease at the same time.  Got the meter out poked her.....509. 

My stomach sank.  Tears welled up in my eyes. Then, as if grasping at straws I told him the code must be wrong or the meter was off.  I checked the code.  It was right.   We decided to check on Lovebug's meter since we knew that meter was right....492.  In that second, everything changed. I knew what we were looking at and my heart broke in two. 

It was off the the ER we went.  It was all so surreal sitting in the waiting room.  I remember looking at all the other kids that looked sick, on the outside.  My baby was sick on the inside. I couldn't believe it, we were here, again.  How did this happen?  Why?  

Princess laid in her bed and watched TV.  She wore the same gown with little tigers on it that Lovebug had worn when she was diagnosed.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I put it on her.  Princess never got a IV like Lovebug did but they had to do a blood draw.  Thankfully it wasn't too dramatic.

Then we just sat, and waited.  We knew what the doctor was going to say. It didn't make it any easier knowing.  I about lost it when he did finally come back and confirm it.  We would get to go home as soon as she got a shot of Lantus (long acting insulin) to tide us over until the morning when we could get in to see the endocrinologist.  So home we went.  Shocked.  Sad.  Mad. Dumbfounded.   I'm pretty sure I had every emotion known to man that day.  Words just can't describe what I was feeling.  (what I am still feeling)

And so we began our journey caring for two kiddo's with Type 1.