Monday, September 27, 2010

On my mind...

A life without diabetes has been on my mind a lot lately.  I guess maybe it's because of the Walk to Cure Diabetes that has made me dwell on it more then usual.  .

What I wouldn't give to not have to think about carbs or finger pokes or blood sugar numbers before we eat...anything.  Just this morning while Lovebug was at preschool I almost started to call my youngest over and tell her I needed to check her blood sugar before she had a snack.  Duh, that's not Lovebug.   Strange how even though Lovebug isn't around, I can't stop thinking about diabetes or carb counting...

Then there is that little twinge of jealously (and lets be honest here, bitterness) when I hear about how other friends can just dropping their kids off for a couple hours to get some stuff done. I can't do that.  I have a very limited amount of people that will even watch Lovebug.  Especially during the day when I need the help.  Everyone has to live their own lives right?   I never had a problem finding a sitter before diabetes decided to invade our lives.  I get a little jealous of friends that have friends that just offer to take their kids for the weekend.  Oh, how I hate feeling that way.

I  wish I could sleep through the night.  I didn't worry every morning that Lovebug might not wake up. That is my WORST fear. My friend Reyna put it perfectly in her post "The Painful Truth of my Nights".  What if  I awake to find Lovebug in the morning, passed away from a low blood sugar in the middle of the night? All I can say is thank God for Dexie.  I praise God that he gave someone the knowledge to come up with the technology for a CGM.

Before Diabetes I didn't worry about Lovebug growing up. Now I worry that she will be judged, made fun of or even shut out of stuff because of her "condition".  I'm afraid people will look at her differently, and it brings tears to my eyes.  I worry that she won't find a husband to love her or she won't be able to have kids.  I worry that diabetes will take her before she is even old enough to experience those things.

It breaks my heart that this is the only life she will ever know.  She won't remember her life before diabetes invaded it.  It was just 3 short years.  I'm sure I will soon forget what it was like before.  Problem is I don't want to forget.  I don't want to forget so the heartache stays and the pain is fresh. That way people realize how serious Type 1 diabetes is.  

I worry about her at school. That the teachers and staff won't pay attention to her and take her seriously. Preschool has been great!  The teachers really care and do a great job.  What will happen next year when she has to go to a different school? Will her teacher(s) be as compassionate and caring as the ones this year?  I know it is a very real possibility that I won't have the perfect situation and I will struggle with it.  Will I have to send Lovebug to a different school then her sisters because of diabetes?  My poor girl gets singled out enough already, I just want her to live as normal of a life as possible.

I wish I didn't have to worry about her getting sick, all the time.  I avoid things/places when I hear there are viruses going around. I don't even think about going to a McDonald's Play land or to the play areas at the mall anymore. Virus City.  Even just a little ingrown toenail, like she has now, could potentially turn into a infection that costs her a toe, or something worse.

I know all of it is in God's hands and that is the only reason I have any peace at all with this disease.  If I didn't believe that God was holding her in the palm of his hand watching over her 24/7 I'm pretty sure I would end up in a mental institution.  I couldn't handle all that on my own.

Not that I don't have a good support system but I am the one that does the most as far as diabetes care. I am the "full-time pancreas".  My hubby is the part time.  I'm okay with that. (we're okay with that) I'm a bit of a control freak anyway. I have a few others that fill in when they can and for that I am forever grateful.  Really, if it wasn't for my hubby, my friends, and the my D Mamas I would be lost.

Oh how I wish life were "normal" again


Reyna said...

Sadly, in a way, Joe does not remember his life pre-d. I think as time goes on, we do forget the initial hardships of it. I think we get used to it AND our kids get older and start to do some of the care themselves. They become more independent etc. I have been in a little d-funk over here myself lately Heather. Maybe it is going around. Hopefully we can help each other shake it!

We are off to Endo tomorrow...a bad A1C will only prolong my funk

Alexis of Justices Misbehaving Pancreas said...

I dont think I can truly remember life before D. I see the pics we have up and I know it existed but yet I cant truly remember that feeling of care free. When worries were not about my sons day to day struggles with a disease.

I dont think J can either. Its all frustrating.

But I do see a different kid, we are stronger for it. Now that doesnt mean I would CHOOSE this, but I try to just thank god that I have him here, and didnt lose him 1/21/08 when he was diagnosed.

I am rambling. ((((HUGS))) I am glad we have each othr.

WendyP said...

Definitely in a D-funk over here too. I hate what this stupid disease does to all of us. I was watching one of Lorraine's video's of Caleb yesterday and she said they celebrated when he was hooked up to the pump he would have to wear for the rest of his life. I just started crying - again! It just sucks that these are the things we have to celebrate now. Maybe it's the walks and all the videos that are making us blue right now. Making us reflect too much. Once the walks are over we can buck up and move on for the rest of the year? Don't know, but I do know I'm feeling everything you said in you blog today too :(.

Laura said...

I miss carefree and easy -
We all go through it from time to time. It's so much.

Everything you wrote rang so true!
I'm glad we have each other and the therapy of the DOC otherwise it would be even harder.


Meri said...

It gets overwhelming sometimes for sure. Good thing, like everything else, the overwhemledness ebbs and flows.

I hope the ebbing starts soon for you friend! I know, sometimes, it's just so much. ((HUGS))

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Oh, Heather, I know... D complicates so many facets of our lives and our kids' lives. Sigh...


Reyna said...

P.S. I forgot to thank you for the "shout out" on my Night post!!!


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