What I wouldn't give to not have to think about carbs or finger pokes or blood sugar numbers before we eat...anything. Just this morning while Lovebug was at preschool I almost started to call my youngest over and tell her I needed to check her blood sugar before she had a snack. Duh, that's not Lovebug. Strange how even though Lovebug isn't around, I can't stop thinking about diabetes or carb counting...
Then there is that little twinge of jealously (and lets be honest here, bitterness) when I hear about how other friends can just dropping their kids off for a couple hours to get some stuff done. I can't do that. I have a very limited amount of people that will even watch Lovebug. Especially during the day when I need the help. Everyone has to live their own lives right? I never had a problem finding a sitter before diabetes decided to invade our lives. I get a little jealous of friends that have friends that just offer to take their kids for the weekend. Oh, how I hate feeling that way.
I wish I could sleep through the night. I didn't worry every morning that Lovebug might not wake up. That is my WORST fear. My friend Reyna put it perfectly in her post "The Painful Truth of my Nights". What if I awake to find Lovebug in the morning, passed away from a low blood sugar in the middle of the night? All I can say is thank God for Dexie. I praise God that he gave someone the knowledge to come up with the technology for a CGM.
Before Diabetes I didn't worry about Lovebug growing up. Now I worry that she will be judged, made fun of or even shut out of stuff because of her "condition". I'm afraid people will look at her differently, and it brings tears to my eyes. I worry that she won't find a husband to love her or she won't be able to have kids. I worry that diabetes will take her before she is even old enough to experience those things.
It breaks my heart that this is the only life she will ever know. She won't remember her life before diabetes invaded it. It was just 3 short years. I'm sure I will soon forget what it was like before. Problem is I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget so the heartache stays and the pain is fresh. That way people realize how serious Type 1 diabetes is.
I worry about her at school. That the teachers and staff won't pay attention to her and take her seriously. Preschool has been great! The teachers really care and do a great job. What will happen next year when she has to go to a different school? Will her teacher(s) be as compassionate and caring as the ones this year? I know it is a very real possibility that I won't have the perfect situation and I will struggle with it. Will I have to send Lovebug to a different school then her sisters because of diabetes? My poor girl gets singled out enough already, I just want her to live as normal of a life as possible.
I wish I didn't have to worry about her getting sick, all the time. I avoid things/places when I hear there are viruses going around. I don't even think about going to a McDonald's Play land or to the play areas at the mall anymore. Virus City. Even just a little ingrown toenail, like she has now, could potentially turn into a infection that costs her a toe, or something worse.
I know all of it is in God's hands and that is the only reason I have any peace at all with this disease. If I didn't believe that God was holding her in the palm of his hand watching over her 24/7 I'm pretty sure I would end up in a mental institution. I couldn't handle all that on my own.
Not that I don't have a good support system but I am the one that does the most as far as diabetes care. I am the "full-time pancreas". My hubby is the part time. I'm okay with that. (we're okay with that) I'm a bit of a control freak anyway. I have a few others that fill in when they can and for that I am forever grateful. Really, if it wasn't for my hubby, my friends, and the my D Mamas I would be lost.
Oh how I wish life were "normal" again