I am sitting her wide awake thanks to a low blood sugar number for Lovebug. We had one earlier in the night, Lovebug came down because Dexie woke her up. Then when I went up for my infamous 2/2:30 check and looked at Dexie. 74 and arrow straight down. Finger poke said 72. Dang, caught that one. To top it off Lovebug had wet the bed so I had to fully wake her up and change her clothes and sheets. I just LOVE having to do all that at 2:30 in the morning. Really, it's my favorite thing! (sarcasm intended there folks)
As I sit here (Lovebug back to sleep blood sugar going back up) completely unable to get back to sleep I find myself getting mad. MAD at diabetes. MAD at everything. You see my emotions and everything else seem a bit amplified this time of night and all the more harder to bear. This would be the time of night I cry the most often. I am so impatient this time of day. I cursed at Dexie tonight, twice!! Even though I LOVE that little machine! I would be LOST without her. I would get even less sleep then I get now, if that is even possible. What is it with me? Why can I not hold it together when I am sleep deprived and trying to take care of diabetes at 2:30am? Maybe it's because my brain is going 80 miles and hour and my body about 5. I don't know....
It's nights like these that I just want my old life back. My life before diabetes. When I could sleep all night and not worry every day. When I could just let Lovebug be a kid all the time, not just some of the time. When I didn't have to burden her teachers or childcare workers at church with the extra responsibility. Back before I didn't know what in the world a carbohydrate was or how to count them. I want to go back to when I didn't understand what a I:C ratio, bolus or basal was. I just want to go back. I don't want Lovebug to suffer anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore.
I was reading Hallie's post This is LOVE calling. (another thing I did while I was up tonight, caught up on some of my blog reading!) Boy did I need to be reminded of that tonight. The song she quoted by Toby Mac is a song I jam to quite often. Despite me losing my way, I will get back up again. Shoot, I have to pick my self back up again every day, sometimes numerous times a day!! You really should go over to Hallie's blog and read her post, the song is playing on her music player! You will know what I mean when you listen to the song. Those of you who really know me know the song fits me to a T.
In all seriousness, I am not even 2 full years into this and I already feel like I am burning out. How am I going to keep doing this? How is Lovebug going to do this her whole life? My body hurts, my head hurts and my heart hurts. Everything just plain hurts. I'm tired of not being about to get diabetes off my mind. I'm tired of site changes,sensor changes and the smell of insulin. But every day I have to get back up and do it all over again. I don't have a choice.
Despite everything, I accept it. Diabetes has taught me A LOT about my self. My faith has grown and my relationship with my husband is stronger then ever. I know God has dealt us this for a reason. A reason I may not ever know in this lifetime, but I'm okay with that. Well, maybe not always in the middle of the night when I am half awake and frustrated but I know. I know in my heart, even if my head doesn't always go along with it! We all have our bad days and moments, right? Mine just seem to come in the middle of the night.