Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2am Madness

I am sitting her wide awake thanks to a low blood sugar number for Lovebug.  We had one earlier in the night, Lovebug came down because Dexie woke her up.  Then when I went up for my infamous 2/2:30 check and looked at Dexie.  74 and arrow straight down.  Finger poke said 72.  Dang, caught that one.  To top it off Lovebug had wet the bed so I had to fully wake her up and change her clothes and sheets.  I just LOVE having to do all that at 2:30 in the morning.  Really, it's my favorite thing! (sarcasm intended there folks)  


As I sit here (Lovebug back to sleep blood sugar going back up) completely unable to get back to sleep I find myself getting mad. MAD at diabetes. MAD at everything. You see my emotions and everything else seem a bit amplified this time of night and all the more harder to bear. This would be the time of night I cry the most often. I am so impatient this time of day.  I cursed at Dexie tonight, twice!!  Even though I LOVE that little machine!  I would be LOST without her.  I would  get even less sleep then I get now, if that is even possible.  What is it with me?  Why can I not hold it together when I am sleep deprived and trying to take care of diabetes at 2:30am? Maybe it's because my brain is going 80 miles and hour and my body about 5.  I don't know....


It's nights like these that I just want my old life back. My life before diabetes.  When I could sleep all night and not worry every day.  When I could just let Lovebug be a kid all the time, not just some of the time.  When I didn't have to burden her teachers or childcare workers at church with the extra responsibility.  Back before I didn't know what in the world a carbohydrate was or how to count them. I want to go back to when I didn't understand what a I:C ratio, bolus or basal was.  I just want to go back.  I don't want Lovebug to suffer anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore.  


I was reading Hallie's post This is LOVE calling. (another thing I did while I was up tonight, caught up on some of my blog reading!) Boy did I need to be reminded of that tonight. The song she quoted by Toby Mac is a song I jam to quite often.  Despite me losing my way, I will get back up again. Shoot, I have to pick my self back up again every day, sometimes numerous times a day!!  You really should go over to Hallie's blog and read her post, the song is playing on her music player!  You will know what I mean when you listen to the song. Those of you who really know me know the song fits me to a T.  


In all seriousness, I am not even 2 full years into this and I already feel like I am burning out.  How am I going to keep doing this? How is Lovebug going to do this her whole life?  My body hurts, my head hurts and my heart hurts.  Everything just plain hurts.  I'm tired of not being about to get diabetes off my mind.  I'm tired of site changes,sensor changes and the smell of insulin.  But every day I have to get back up and do it all over again. I don't have a choice. 


Despite everything, I accept it. Diabetes has taught me A LOT about my self. My faith has grown and my relationship with my husband is stronger then ever.  I know God has dealt us this for a reason. A reason I may not ever know in this lifetime, but I'm okay with that. Well, maybe not always in the middle of the night when I am half awake and frustrated but I know.  I know in my heart, even if my head doesn't always go along with it!  We all have our bad days and moments, right?  Mine just seem to come in the middle of the night. 



13 comments:

KatieKate said...

Aw, honey. We are fighting different battles, but I understand your tiredness. I know what it is to be 2 years into a child's 'problem' and wonder how you will make it the next 20 years let alone finish the week! I know.

We're all here for you! And, we understand. So very much understand. Love you.

Joanne said...

You described perfectly how I feel... how much I hurt and I wish it would all go away. I hate that we feel like this. I hate that our kids have to deal with this. Sorry Heather, I don't have much to offer except for, "same".

Reyna said...

Heather...that is a bummer on the low. I know the feeling you write about...the burnout. I feel it at times and then I just keep chugging along. The "neverending-ness" is overwhelming.

(((HUGS))))

Alexis of Justices Misbehaving Pancreas said...

You truly expressed how I think alot of us feel. The no end in sight is what gets to me. Imagining him having to do all this 15 years from now.

But like you said we will move on and do what we must. Remember when shit gets rough you have all of us to lean on. And usually we are all up at the same time. Xoxo

Denise said...

I was up, wide awake at 2am too...though not due to D... this time! I often feel mad/frustrated/sad/tired of all this and wish for life before. I think approaching the 2 year mark was the worst. But we pick ourselves back up and keep on going...over and over. Hope you got some sleep and numbers are good for you today :-)

Cherished Children said...

Isn't it amazing how God gives us the strength we need to take each step and makes us trust Him for the strength to take the next? Keep walking in His strength!

Anonymous said...

HUGS to you! We are five plus years in and it does get easier. Eventually..... eventually, your body just does adjust to functioning on very little sleep. You will also learn to sleep when you can and schedule time to catch up on sleep. One suggestion.... Hubby can make dinner, you go to bec early, hubby gets BS checks up till midnight and you set the alarm for 2 am. Hard to sleep at this time of night but at some point your body will be so tired you will be able to. Steal little moments. Let the house go, make simple, easy dinners; preserving your energy is important because you need to remain healthy. Hope you can figure out time periods so you can catch some ZZZZZs.

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

I am sorry about 2 lows in one day! That is enough to send anyone screaming. Please know I understand so much of what you are feeling and thinking. You are in my prayers today as I pray for our strength has a family as well. I understand your struggles, I understand your worries. If the DOC has taught me one thing it is that I finally have someone who understands... ME.
Hugs

Lora said...

I often ask myself how I will continue to do this. Faith is a good answer I suppose. We all need to have faith in ourselves and what we are capable of.

HUGS!!!

Misty said...

I get it. (And I'm too tired to say anymore...I was up at 2AM also...doing a site change b/c she was so high!)

Laura @ Houston We Have A Problem! said...

I'm with Misty - I totally 'get it'. Was up all night with Nate- correcting a high only to find myself carbing up a low a few hours later. I'm a crappy pancreas in the wee hours!! Love you, Girl!

Michael Hoskins said...

Heather, sorry to hear about the Low and the overall frustration you've been going through on your end. Even though it may not be much comfort, know that it does get easier. Your little one will learn to navigate the Highs and Lows. Of course, at times, just as we all do, Lovebug will also feel the same frustration over BGs levels, pump sites, CGM sensors, and more. It is what it is. But because of your guidance, your CWD will grow up to be a smart independent strong and capable Adult Person With Diabetes. Maybe that can be some small level of comfort.

Mommy Monologues said...

Whew, it's all so true and I can totally relate. Some days I'm just so thankful to not be dealing with something like cancer instead. I can handle this and I can do the math and I can understand all of the technology and do ALL of the site changes and I can get her a snack at a moments notice. We can do this! But it doesn't change the simple fact that it is EXHAUSTING. You are so right. In the middle of the night a few months ago, I was trying to calibrate a low, and accidentally bolused. Ugh!! It was scary. I couldn't believe I made such a critical mistake.

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