Thursday, January 27, 2011

Aware

I knew it would happen....


It's starting with seeing her put her finger up to the strip and not waiting for me to bring the strip to her finger anymore. 


The way she is starting to remember how many glucose tablets she needs based on what her bg is. 


When she tells me she is sweaty, when she hasn't been running around and tells me she thinks she is low. 


It's asking me how many carbs are in her banana. Or asking if cheese is a free food? 


I know this is just the start of more things to come. At least she hasn't said to me that she doesn't want to have Diabetes anymore or that she hates it. Although, I'm sure that time is coming. She is just growing up and starting to become more aware.  


Aware that she is different.  That she has a insulin pump that is her life support.  


Aware that even though she can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to, there will be times when Diabetes will get in the way and puts a little kink in the road.  


Aware that her friends can eat whatever they want, when ever they want. Without poking their finger first.  


I am thankful reality will be kind to her and set in a little slower then it did for me.  But to be honest, I hate reality.  


I can deal with everything, but I'm NOT ready to let her start dealing with Diabetes.  I'm not ready to let diabetes steal more of her childhood then it already has.  I knew this day was coming, but I am not prepared. My head is ready, because let's be honest here, I could use a break. My heart on the other hand, HURTS.  It hurts for her.  


I'm not ready for her to grow up and have to start dealing with this on her own. I want her to be able to be a kid and not worry about all this. If I taught her not to worry I would be irresponsible though.  I have to teach her to take care of herself but how can I do that and still let my little girl be a little girl? 


I want to take that reality right off her cute little shoulders and bear it all for her.  ALL of it. The highs, the lows and everything in between. If only it were that simple.  If only I could just take it from her so she could be a kid just a little bit longer.  


I could complain that this is unfair and just plain cruel.  (just because I don't complain doesn't mean it hurts any less) I can't though. I have to stay strong for her. I have to remember that my attitude rubs off on her. 


Despite that,  I have to remember that God is walking this road right a long with us. He is holding our hands and watching out for us. He is only giving her what she can handle. (although personally I have had a few words with God about this, I don't like it for one second that He has given this burden to her) 


That is what keeps me together on days like this.  Days when I realize my little girl is starting to grow up a little too soon. 

8 comments:

Alexis of Justices Misbehaving Pancreas said...

When you do have that convo with God theres a bunch of us Dmamas that want in.

Its not easy at all. J had just turned 6 a few days before dx but still he didnt pay as much mind to it as he does now. I know I have to let him ''do'' and ofcourse supervise but somedays I wish I could do it all for him all the time.

But then I see how he spots his lows in school and quickly shoves his Nerds in his mouth and Im proud. And confident he will be safe.

Idk if this was just me babbling or it helped. But I get it. I do. Xoxo

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

So with joshua being so young I was hopeful that this day wouldnt happen for a long time, but alas we are less then 1 year out and of course he will bring his finger to the meter everytime. He has begun trying to test himself- at less then 2!! My oldest 4 years old asked the lady at the meat counter can I please get the carb count my little brother is type 1. REALLY it made me cry as I was walking away.. I want so desperatly for them to be kids. They have their entire life to be worried adults but for so little to be kids... I hear you and I am here with you!
Hugs

Deanna said...

:( HUGS!

Reyna said...

I have felt all of those words, those sentences, those paragraphs time and time again when thinking about Joe, about diabetes, about his childhood.

Such a heartfelt and true post. I hate that their childhood is somewhat robbed in soooo sooo many ways.

Michelle said...

I'm right there with you on all of that! My little sweetie is 7 (dx'd at 2) and over the past 2 years it's been hard to watch as she's started becoming more independent with her D-care by checking her sugar, bolusing herself for meals and snacks (with my supervision of course) and even doing her own pump sites on occasion. On the one hand it makes me proud to see her learning and doing this...but on the other I can't help but thinks it's SO not fair!!!!

Wendy said...

This is so beautiful, Heather...profound and heartfelt.

We're there...increased independence. A day I never thought would come. And, yet, I look back and wonder how we got here.

Amy said...

Oh Heather, this just makes me tear up. My 8yo 'baby' began her T1D journey by doing all of those things herself, so I haven't had to go through that transition. My heart feels for you!!!!!

Leighann of D-Mom Blog said...

Heather, I always refer to it as a "loss of innocence." They have to grow up so quickly because of D. And that's why it's so important to let them be kids when we can.

I'm torn between letting her be more self-sufficient and treating herself, and doing things for her so that it's not her job yet.

But in the end I think it's important for them to do what they can for themselves because we are setting them up for a lifetime of good habits.

Best,
Leighann

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