Hurt

As I laid awake last night, unable to sleep because of Lovebug waking me up with a bg of 50, I was thinking of how much Diabetes hurts.   

Physically it does things like this to Lovebug's body. 

This, by the way, makes her feel like crap.  I can only imagine what that feels like but she knows. She just can't voice it yet, but I can see it in her demeanor, her attitude, and in her sleep at night. When she as a days like this, she sleeps harder then normal. It's harder to wake her up to get juice into her when she is low. Like last night, she kept falling asleep while she was trying to drink her juice.  I had to keep reminding her to suck.  

Emotionally it makes me just hurt.  I don't sleep. I worry.  I let my mind go places it shouldn't. I want to cry and scream at the same time.  I want to take diabetes by the neck and strangle it.  I HATE what it does to my little girl.  I HATE IT.  

Then the worst part of everything is the horrible reality, that the worst hurt EVER could sneak into my house and take Lovebug's life.  

Last night I learned of 5 families who lost loved ones due to complications from Type 1 Diabetes.  Today my heart hurts.  Not for Lovebug, but for those families. 

A 27 year old mother of two

A 24 year old who died of ketoacidosis

A 16 year old boy

A 9 year old girl who succumbed to depression and took her own life

A 18 month old who was misdiagnosed

This is the reality of the disease.  This is the hurt.  

Worst of all, this is my reality.  This is my hurt too.  

The fear I live with every single minute of every single day.  I can not relax or let my guard down for even a second.  Because in a second EVERYTHING could change. The fear that no matter how hard I work, or how diligent I am, Diabetes could decide to take her life at any moment.  

This is why I advocate.

This is why I educate.

This is why I fight for a cure. 

Every. Single. Day. 

And I will not stop until there IS a cure.