Friday, May 6, 2011

Bitter Sweet Days

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog!  I wish I wasn't. I have so much I want to share but honestly, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write.  It is therapeutic though and I need to make time to sit down at the computer a little more often.

The last couple weeks seem to have gone by fast, but at the same time have seemed really long.  I still sometimes feel like I am in a dream...

Today we made a trip to the endo's office to start a trial run with the Medtronic CGM.  As I was sitting there getting everything "hooked up".  It was a little overwhelming.  I am relieved that we will have a CGM for a week. (maybe I will get a little more sleep now) and anxious to get the week over with so I know whether it is going to be a good fit for Princess or not. I am pretty sure it will be though.

While I am very grateful we are moving forward with the insulin pump and CGM already, it is a little bittersweet for me.  Princess has been fighting the shots a bit more lately, so the pump really can't come soon enough. Emotionally, I am not ready for this. It seems too soon. Almost like I am excepting all of it sooner then I did with Lovebug.  I know that isn't the case, I just know what I am doing this time around.  I know the pump is easier and better but I just can't get my brain wrapped around all of this yet.  My heart turns to mush just thinking about it.

I want to be happy, things are moving along like I wanted. I wanted to get her on a pump as soon as possible I prayed things would work out and they are.  I should be elated for the answer to pray.  I am, but at the same time, I'm not.

I didn't ask for this. I don't want another child with type 1, yet I can't change it. Complaining about it won't help.  Sometimes screaming or crying into a pillow does help, but only for a while.  I know this is my burden to carry I have to stop myself from asking why. I would drive myself insane if I did.  I am trying to except what has been given to me but I still want our old "normal" back. I didn't know that I could hurt this much.  Diabetes just sucks.


KatieKate said...

Sometimes I am brought to my knees with the realization that my children's struggles are really for MY worship, my prayer, my understanding of Him. They are so young, our babies. I think God is speaking to US through their 'junk' maybe even more than to the kiddos. It's a very hard lesson for me every day.

But you are not alone! And I love you!

Reyna said...

Heather, I cannot even begin to imagine the difficulty and challenge in accepting your "new normal". Chin up...vent when you need to we are all here to lift you up. And...scream and cry into the pillow too, I think that is totally called for at this stage of the game. Love to you and yours.

Wendy said...

I'm so happy you're feeling good about the CGM. I hope and pray it turns out to be everything you need it to be and that pump makes it to your doorstep ASAP.

Praying for you always.

Much love, my friend.

Sandy said...

Hello! I am so glad I found your blog! As for the CGM, my hubby uses the same system and we LOVE it. I am sure you will too! It does beep a lot but the benefits out weight that by tons! You have a beautiful family :) nice to "meet" you :)

Lora said...

Hang in there Heather and know that we love you and are here for you. I can't imagine what it is like to go through a dx a second time, but you are one strong d-mama... you've got this!!

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

Hi Heather.

I've been mostly off grid the last few weeks while your world was turned upside-down. Again.

I'm so sorry about Princess' diagnosis. I have been watching and reading here and there, and everything you have written demonstrates what a champ you are being under very tough circumstances.

Although complaining about it won't change anything, getting your feelings out and heard in whatever vehicle you have available I think CAN help. So vent and complain away. We are here to listen (and hopefully that will include me a little more than it has).

Alexis Nicole said...

I know it was said already...but I agree I know how hard one dx was,I cant imagine a second.

Youre truly an inspiration and I think youre doing amazing. We all net to vent and maybe cry. So have at it!

We are all here for you. Anytime! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Your girls are so lucky to have you for a Mom. Life is cruel and unfair sometimes, so let it out, vent, cry, whatever; then it will be easier for you to pick up and start over again. Just because you have been through the grieving process once before does not make it easier the next time. You have helped so many with your blog, let us now be there and help you.


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