Thursday, June 30, 2011

Where are my Marbles??

Um, I think I lost my marbles. Would you happen to know where they are?  Yeah, I didn't think so.
They have been lost for the past couple months and I think they may be gone for good.

In all seriousness, I am pretty sure they are lost forever. I am just not myself lately.  I try to be but it doesn't last for long.   I feel like I do everything just to get it done.  I don't care about much. Well, I do, it just depends on the day and what kind of mood I am in.  I feel like I do what I have to to get by and that's it.  I just don't have the energy to care.

Diabetes  It's my life and most of the time, the only thing in my life.  It controls what I do during the day, how I feel and what I think.  It controls my sleeping at night and invades my dreams.  It is in my mind 24/7.  It just won't go away.  All six of my senses are overloaded with diabetes.  I am pretty sure that yes, I even have a "taste" for diabetes.  ugh.

It has been this way since Princess was diagnosed. I am well aware that Diabetes is a 24/7 disease.  It doesn't take a break and it doesn't play fair.  I learned this very well the past 2 years since Lovebug was diagnosed.  I could go with the ebbs and flows when Lovebug was diagnosed. So why does it bother me that much more now that we two children with diabetes?  It's like it is stuck to me like super glue.  It is just not budging.  It's not letting me have a breather at all.  Do you hear that diabetes?? I NEED a breather!!!

I have been there done this before when Lovebug was diagnosed. Only this time it's much harder.  I feel like I am drowning.  I need to have some time for myself. I need to have time to blog! I need to go on a date with my husband. I need to have time to clean the house and take care of my house. I need sleep at night.  I need some peace.  I need these things. Really, I do. I need them so I can be a good wife to my hubby and a good mother to my kids.  They deserve it.  Yet every time I try to get some time to myself or a date night with my husband or time out with my friends; it's like pulling teeth to make it happen.  It makes me not even want to try. It makes me just want to give up.

Now don't get my wrong, my life isn't a total and utter mess, it  just feels like it most of the time. I do have joyful times.  Especially since I started selling Thirty-One. It has honestly been a godsend for me.  I don't know how else I would EVER get out of the house. It has given me some of my dreams back and made me feel a little bit more like just a live in nurse and maid.

All I can say is that a little break every now and then would be nice....*sigh*


Alexis Nicole said...

Your words hit me hard as I sit here typing. Up for the 4th time tonight. The sleep part drains me. Makes me feel cranky and useless the rest of the day and it sucks!

My husband has made is "mandatory' that atleast 2x a month when he's off I go out with the girls. Or alone whatever. Maybe you can try and do something like that? I'm sure you miss date nights but it may help for now?

Huge giant hugs! I am beyond drained with 1. 2? You're awesome. But you know that. Xoxo

Hallie said...

Oh, Heather. My heart just beaks for you. One is so hard. Two? I can't imagine. But I do understand. Especially the part about it being so difficult that half the time it just doesn't seem worth it. I ssoooooo get that. Hang in there. Sending you lots of prayers and looking forward to hanging out with you soon!!!

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

I can only speculate that the second dx would not double, but exponentially increase the a second child does.
It's a never ending cycle that we can't choose to get off, but I pray that it will at least slow down a bit for you so you can catch your breath and find 'you' again!

Joanne said...

I am so sorry... I hope you get that break soon. I can't even imagine T1 times 2.


Lora said...

Hugs Heather. I know its hard enough with one... I would totally feel the same as you with two. I pray that time heals your heart and gives you the break you need.
Love you!

Reyna said...

Love to you. I think of you often...dealing with "D" X two in two young children is umimagineable to me. Keep your chin up and sell that Thirty One girl. You'll find your stride once may take time ... but you will.


Michelle said...

I can't imagine dealing with T1 with both of my girls...although it's something I worry about often. I hope you are able to get that break soon!


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