Monday, July 11, 2011

Diving In

Nablopomo ~ Day 12

Today's prompt asked us if we like to dive right into things or do we like to get acclimated first?

I am a diver.  When it comes to learning something new or trying something new I tend to dive right in.
That's exactly what happened when Lovebug was diagnosed with Type 1.  I dove right into learning everything I could to take care of her the best that I could.

For me that meant taking all the training classes as soon as we could get into them. The more I knew about her diabetes care the more confident I was taking care of her.  We were literally at the endo' office every couple weeks that first summer.  

While I was learning about MDI, I started researching pumps and insulin pump therapy.  I quickly learned that would be SO much better for Lovebug and our family as a whole.  While you can be flexible on MDI, it wasn't flexible enough for us. I still felt tied down to a meal and snack schedule because that was better on Lovebug's blood sugar numbers. If I took her off of that schedule it would reek havoc on her blood sugar numbers.

Needless to say I learned everything I could about insulin pumps and which one might be a good fit for Lovebug.  I even took some of the online training "classes" just to get an idea of what I was doing before we even got the okay from our endo.  Armed with all the information in my hands I asked the endo about it and he agreed and we could put her on a pump right away.

So, about about 5 months after Lovebug was diagnosed, I found I didn't have much more to learn.  I mean I did but most of what I could learn had to come from actual experience or trial and error. You have to learn how each child's body reacts to everything from stress to exercise to swimming. It was then that the grieving process started for me and boy did the tears flow.

It has been two years since then and I am still grieving, just in a different stage then I was back then.  Of course I started the process all over again when Princess was diagnosed. I think that was part of what made her diagnosis that much harder for me.  I couldn't learn with her, I couldn't use that to cope. I had to immediately start with the grieving process and I just shut down for a few weeks.  Really didn't talk to anyone I didn't have to talk to.

Yesterday was 3 months since Princess diagnosis.  I can't say that I have totally let myself grieve over her diagnosis yet.  Life seems to have gotten in the way of this one. I have had moments where I break down and feel like I just can't take it anymore. But the girls and my husband need me and grieving sometimes feels like a hindsight.  I know that I need to let myself do it but sometimes, it's just hard to just slow down and think about it.  I just do it because I have to. It is what it is and I can't change it.  Maybe some part of me is just mad about it.  I have always been one to push my feelings aside and try to ignore them. Maybe that's what I am doing now?


Wendy said...

Oh, my friend. Sometimes we need to take a day to feel the emotions God has placed on our hearts.

Just for a is always waiting.

I'm proud of you. You've done a wonderful job getting on track with 2 dx.

Hold your head high.

And keep swimming.

Lora said...

I agree with Wendy. Take the time... even if its just a day. Heck, I still need those almost 3 years later.

Love you :)

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

Take it from a 'shover-downer' it's not good to keep ignoring those feelings. Yes, sometimes we just have to do because we have to do, but that underlying grief/anger/what-have-you will eat away at you and will seep into everything.
You have to give yourself permission to feel those feelings and let the healing process begin. It's a process for sure, but I honestly think that the longer it takes to start it, the harder it is to go through.

Reyna said...

I think we all grieve in different ways. I was all over the map...still am. Sometimes I am totally fine and all positive-y...and then...there are times...that I still grieve a bit. I feel that we are all on a pendullum of sorts.

I made a bunch of documents when Joe was diagnosed. It helped me cope to be "doing" something. Sounds like we are similar in this department.

Love to you Heather. I think you are doing fabulously. Chin up...feel what you feel. Deal with it as you can. Know we are all here for you.

Cherished Children said...

Survival mode is sometimes easier to deal with than our emotions. You're amazing Heather. Prayers, my friend!

Hallie said...

I'm a diver, too!

And sometimes I wonder if I don't dive to not think about it all...

Grieving is not linear. I have days when I'm totally fine and days when I'm not. Try to allow those days when you're not. Even if you have to cry or scream in the shower or get in the car. I think it helps!

You are amazing. You are doing amazing with this. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some TLC.


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