Diving In

Nablopomo ~ Day 12

Today's prompt asked us if we like to dive right into things or do we like to get acclimated first?

I am a diver.  When it comes to learning something new or trying something new I tend to dive right in.
That's exactly what happened when Lovebug was diagnosed with Type 1.  I dove right into learning everything I could to take care of her the best that I could.

For me that meant taking all the training classes as soon as we could get into them. The more I knew about her diabetes care the more confident I was taking care of her.  We were literally at the endo' office every couple weeks that first summer.  

While I was learning about MDI, I started researching pumps and insulin pump therapy.  I quickly learned that would be SO much better for Lovebug and our family as a whole.  While you can be flexible on MDI, it wasn't flexible enough for us. I still felt tied down to a meal and snack schedule because that was better on Lovebug's blood sugar numbers. If I took her off of that schedule it would reek havoc on her blood sugar numbers.

Needless to say I learned everything I could about insulin pumps and which one might be a good fit for Lovebug.  I even took some of the online training "classes" just to get an idea of what I was doing before we even got the okay from our endo.  Armed with all the information in my hands I asked the endo about it and he agreed and we could put her on a pump right away.

So, about about 5 months after Lovebug was diagnosed, I found I didn't have much more to learn.  I mean I did but most of what I could learn had to come from actual experience or trial and error. You have to learn how each child's body reacts to everything from stress to exercise to swimming. It was then that the grieving process started for me and boy did the tears flow.

It has been two years since then and I am still grieving, just in a different stage then I was back then.  Of course I started the process all over again when Princess was diagnosed. I think that was part of what made her diagnosis that much harder for me.  I couldn't learn with her, I couldn't use that to cope. I had to immediately start with the grieving process and I just shut down for a few weeks.  Really didn't talk to anyone I didn't have to talk to.

Yesterday was 3 months since Princess diagnosis.  I can't say that I have totally let myself grieve over her diagnosis yet.  Life seems to have gotten in the way of this one. I have had moments where I break down and feel like I just can't take it anymore. But the girls and my husband need me and grieving sometimes feels like a hindsight.  I know that I need to let myself do it but sometimes, it's just hard to just slow down and think about it.  I just do it because I have to. It is what it is and I can't change it.  Maybe some part of me is just mad about it.  I have always been one to push my feelings aside and try to ignore them. Maybe that's what I am doing now?