One Blurry Year Coming to an End!

One word to sum up 2011.  Blurry.

This past year pretty much seems like a big blur.  It started out pretty good.  I started my Thirty-One business and it has thrived and grown more then I could have imagined this past year.

We celebrated Lovebug's 5th birthday and her 2nd Diaversary.

Then, the unexpected happened.  One of my worst nightmares came true when Princess was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in April.  The SAME month that Lovebug was diagnosed.  Just 10 days apart.  I remember wondering if this was really happening or if I was dreaming.  It was a little like being hit Mac truck a thousand times over. It was horrible.  (that is the understatement of the year right there!)  It took my breath away.  It made me rethink EVERYTHING.  It was literally all I could do to stay sane.  I really thought that I was going to loose my mind.

My D-mama's were a huge help. Even texting me when we were at the hospital to check up on me.  We were showered with meals,cards, gifts for the girls, and lots of well wishes.  We received many hugs and lots of support from friends, family and our church.

The rest of the year is pretty much a blur.  There were some really happy times in July when I got to meet up with my fellow D-Moms Misty and Hallie.  I also got to meet another D-mom Erin, who also got me hooked on Thirty-One!

Of course, I should know by now that when ever things start going smoothly over here something is about to hit the fan.  And it the fan it did.

In October we took Lovebug for her yearly diabetes blood draw and her Celiac Disease panel came back positive.  NOT something I was expecting. It hit me totally out of the blue...kind like Princess's diagnosis.  We don't have the "official" diagnosis yet but her biopsy is next week so these months of waiting will finally be over.  I'm not sure how I will feel if it comes back positive.  I have tried to prepare myself if it does, I don't think it will make it much easier if it does.  Maybe having months to think about it made it worse?  I don't know.  All I know is what my gut is telling me, and I am hoping that my gut is wrong this one time.

Needless to say starting out 2012 with a biopsy and possible Celiac diagnosis isn't the way I would have imagined we would be ringing in the new year but maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.

No Cords Attached

I guess that it was bound to happen sometime.  The sounds and alarms that you DON'T want your kids insulin pump to make...meaning it's time for a new pump. Of all days for the her pump to "die", it died on a Holiday.  A day our endo office is closed and a day when there is no shipping.  Fun stuff I tell you!  (sarcasm intended)  Add to that the fact that Lovebug HATES shots and you have a perfect storm.

So two days on shots it is.  It's going better then I thought it would.  Lovebug is doing better with it then I thought she would.  Miracle of miracles there!  Only one problem.  I think that she likes being "free" from her pump.

As Lovebug was getting ready for bed last night she realized that she didn't have to wear a pump shirt or a pump pouch to bed.  She exclaimed with A LOT of excitement that she didn't have to wear either!  She was downright giggly about it! You could see it in her eyes, the relief and the excitement.  The freedom of being "normal".  Of not being tied to a pump.  It broke. my. heart.

Lovebug never complains about having a pump, never complains about the pump pouches or the pump shirts that she has to wear all the time.  She always seems happy, content and easy going about it.  But when I saw her get so excited about the freedom of it, I realized how much it does "bother" her.  Talk about tearing this mama's heart in two.

I don't want her to have to wear a pump, but I know it's better for her.  But even I have to admit that seeing her free from "the cord"  was nice.  Really nice.  Almost made me wonder if we should go back to shots for a while, but I know she prefers the pump. Despite being attached to it all the time.  It's times like this I wonder if  we made the right choice of pumps for her. I wish that we could get an Omnipod and try it out...but it doesn't work that way.  I can't get a "new" pump quite yet and don't have the money to pay for an upgrade only to find out she doesn't like it or it doesn't work for us.  And it's not that we don't like the pump we have, we love it. So why change a good thing.  Not to mention we have had enough change around here this past year!

It's so hard to see her have to deal with all this.  I long for a day when she no longer has to be attached to an insulin pump or have to get numerous shots a day.  Why oh why can't that day be sooner then later?

Putting on my Happy Face

I was folding clothes tonight and the thought crossed my mind that I was folding some of these same clothes just 2 years ago, but for a the other d-kid.  Not in a million years did I ever think I would be saying that....

It has been 8 very long months.  Most of them pretty much a blur.  I put on a happy face most of the time but inside it just hurts.  Hard to tell someone when they walk to up to you and ask how you are doing that you are doing horrible and just want to go sit in the corner and cry.  So, instead of weighing every person who asks me how I'm doing with that heavy burden of my reality, I just tell them things are going good.  We are getting by.

Honestly that is just it. We are getting by. We aren't doing good, we aren't doing bad, we are just getting by. I am doing what I have to do and that is about it.  Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions of life but like I say, you do what you have to do, right? Even with Lovebug's blood sugar numbers  ALL over the place and Princess's always hovering in the 200's.  I struggle with burning myself out. Yet, I can't burnout.  Their life depends on it.

Add to that the stress of my hubby moving from 1st to 2nd shift, going to the doctor to find out I just moved into the overweight category and the fact we are looking at yet another diagnosis. Yep, burnout....I am trying to avoid you.  I don't know if you caught the part where I said "another diagnosis".  Yes, you did read that correctly.  Another diagnosis.  No, not of  Type 1 though.  (thank GOD it's not that)

We go a call from the endo's office back in October that Lovebug's yearly blood work came back testing positive for Celiac's Disease. (for those of you who don't know what Celiac's Disease is HERE is a little synopsis)  I suppose I wasn't totally surprised, but at the same time I was shocked.  When I had taken her in the week before to get her blood drawn at the lab I just had this feeling that something was wasn't right  I never would have thought my "intuition" would be right.  It has always been a big fear that one of the girls would end up with Celiac's Disease.  Not a fear I ever really thought I would be looking at.  Then again I never thought we would deal with a second diagnosis of Type 1 either.  I must be naive or something...

I didn't think it would be Celiac that came back positive.  All I knew was something was off.  Ironic thing is she has very few symptoms of Celiac.  Up until a couple weeks ago the only symptoms were bloating, constipation, crazy low blood sugars (followed by rebound high blood sugars) and leg cramps.  All those I would have normally contributed to other things, never would have linked them to Celiac.  The past couple weeks Lovebug has been complaining of  stomach aches a lot.  Especially right after eating.

So here we are, waiting.  I have never been so tired of waiting.  Trying to keep the thoughts of this possible diagnosis (and all that comes with it) out of my mind so I can enjoy the Holiday's.  Which I am enjoying, it's just always right there, like a little tap on my shoulder a thousand times a day forcing me to push it to the back of my mind over and over again.  Hopefully we will have some answers soon as Lovebug will have a biopsy in a couple weeks to confirm rather or not if  she actually has Celiac.  (the biopsy of the small intestine is the only way to confirm Celiac.) It's only another month or so, I have waited this long....right?