Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Diaversary #2

One year ago today, my world came to a crashing halt. I never thought that I would have to "deal" with another diaversary. I only thought it happened to "other" people. I thought that Lovebug's would be the only one we would every have to "celebrate".

That all changed, one year ago today, when Princess was diagnosed.

I will never forget...that meter counting down. It was the LONGEST 5 seconds of my life.  Then the 508 that was blaring back at me...my heart sank into my stomach in shock.  I couldn't breath for a second.  I remember thinking to myself...is this real?? Could this really be happening??  I wanted to break down and bawl but I quickly pulled myself together.  All I could think was the meter had to be wrong...but that wrong I knew was pretty impossible.  Even a dirty finger in a non-d kid wouldn't have a blood sugar that high.  Not to mention the fact she hadnt' eaten since breakfast about 4 hours earlier.

It's one of those days, much like Lovebug's diagnosis day, that changed me.  Forever.  I many ways I don't feel  like I ever really mourned Princess's diagnosis like I did Lovebug's.  I never broke down. I just bottled it up inside and cried when I could.  I mostly  cry to myself when no one is around and to Tim when I need to because he has been my rock through all of this. I feel like it's hard to mourn for one kid when you still have to take care of the other one's needs.Lovebug's came first. The second time around we knew what we were doing.  It didn't hit as hard, well  physically it hit hard but emotionally Princess diagnosis has been a lot harder. I just don't know how to put words to the emotional part of it...

In all honesty I don't feel much better about the whole thing then I did 6 months ago. It's hard. It sucks. There is two of everything.  I hate that 2 of my kids have Type 1.  I hate that they can't live a normal life. I hate that they can't do a lot of the things that their big sister can do.  I hate that I worry about them 24/7. I hate that I don't ever get more then 4 hours of sleep at a time...if I'm lucky.  I just plain freaking hate diabetes and what it does to my girls.

I know that is a lot of hate but there is some positive. (honestly I do TRY to focus on the positive!) I know something good will come of this.  After all,  I have a husband who is supportive, involved in their care and advocates for them.   I have wonderful friends in the DOC and I wouldn't know them without diabetes. I have grown and learned things about myself.  I am much stronger. I have become a much more compassionate person. I look at the world through a different set of glasses now. But I  have also gotten some thick skin and I filter what I let bother me and what I don't.  I'm different now.  Diabetes has changed my outlook on life.

So today, like everyday, I will take the highs and lows and make the most of it.  Despite Diabetes.


Joanne said...

I can't imagine. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings and I'm glad you're able to find some positive. HUGS!

NikDuck said...

Thinking of you. I can only imagine how hard this second diaversary is for you. I can relate to all your "hate" too...thanks for being honest and sharing how you feel.

Signs of diabetes said...

I'm glad you can be strong. Congrats!

Holly Michael said...

Heather, God bless you! I'm sure it's a challenge with two kids having diabetes. Best wishes!

Mandy said...

Thanks for having a blog! My daughter Andrea age 8 was diagnosed with Type 1 in January. My son Mike is 14 and was diagnosed last Tuesday. I got your blog from Hallie Addington because you are a mom with 2 Type 1 kids. I seem to be feeling a lot more overwhelmed now that my second child is diagnosed. So thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in all of this!

Scott K. Johnson said...

Great post Heather. I often marvel at the strength of you guys (parents) who work so hard for us.

It was wonderful seeing you at FFL, and I enjoyed visiting with Tim. Maybe next time we'll have a little more time to chat.


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