Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Celebrate??

Our two year D-Aversary is coming up.  It has been on my mind A LOT lately.  I try to push it to the back of my mind and forget about it, but it each day it manages to find it's way to the front.  No matter how hard I try.  


I really wish it wouldn't .  Diabetes is hard enough without having to think about her diagnosis day.  The day we came very close to loosing her.  Honestly, I don't know how to react to that day. I don't know rather to be sad because our lives changed in an instant or if I should celebrate the fact we her life was spared that day. 


I want to be happy, but it's hard.  Really hard.  It's hard to celebrate the fact that Lovebug has diabetes.  Yes, she is still here and I am FOREVER grateful for that.  But I also live with the realization that Diabetes could take her life at any time. I know this could be any of my kids but more so with Lovebug.  I stare her mortality in the face each and every day. Sometimes numerous times a day.  


I find it hard to be happy about that. Is it wrong to feel this way?  I don't know.  I really don't know what is right when it comes to my emotions anymore.  At least where diabetes is concerned.  You would think after almost two years I would be able to sort it out, but I can't.  


I think some of it is because I am still grieving. Grieving over the life that we used to have.  The normal that used to be our lives.  Grieving over the fact that we can't just leave her.  That I worry each and every time she goes to school.   I worry about EVERYTHING with Lovebug.  It may appear to those on the outside that I am strong, but on the inside I am a big ball of mush.  I know everyone deals with grief differently but I am still figuring out how to deal with it.  Almost two years later.  

10 comments:

Nicole said...

To celebrate or not to celebrate, you only know the right answer to that for you and your family. We always take of fun family trip and quite honestly it's wonderful. The kids have great family time, creating memories, enjoying life and I get my moment to think and to reflect and then we are off on another adventure.

The thing is you never know what life is going to trow at you type 1 or not. So make the best of it now! live, laugh and love...you can't go wrong!!

k2 said...

Heather -
I know as a parent, it has to be hard to remember the day Lovebug was diagnosed - How can it not be?
She's your child!
But I say, turn it around and celebrate all that is wonderful about your darling Lovebug!
CELEBRATE that she's here, growing up and becoming!
I know the diabetes "what ifs" are scary, but take it from one who knows from experience. Focusing on the "what ifs" (diabetes and otherwise) all the time, makes for missing amazing moments most of the time.
I was diagnosed on Halloween, when I was 8 years old. I wanted nothing more to trick or treating with my friends and go out in my costume.
Every Halloween since, (and there's been over 30 of them) I celebrate and have fun!
Sending you and yours lots of LOVE and HUGS!
Kelly K

Donna ((Sweet Momma)) said...

My dearest Heather,

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

One of my favorite songs of all time... and it immediately came to mind when reading your post.

Smile, Mama.... Smile and CELEBRATE the life of your beautiful Lovebug.

((((HUGS))))

Alexis Nicole said...

I wish there was something "right" to say. I wanted to celebrate this year my husband did not. Its a day that changes our lives so dramatically and no matter how much good we have found in it, itself in the end sucks!


xoxo

Heidi / D-Tales said...

A mother's love is intense. A diabetes diagnosis is devastating. D-aversaries have a way of stirring emotions. So I completely understand your feelings.

But, thank goodness, her life was saved! Thank goodness for a correct diagnosis! Thank goodness for insulin!

(((HUGS)))

Michelle said...

I think it's a personal choice on whether to celebrate or not. We sort of celebrate each year since Charlotte's diaversary is on Halloween...we don't make it a big deal, but make note of it and let her have some of her Halloween candy before stashing it away for lows. I think the grieving process is totally normal...even 5-1/2 years out it still cycles around at times and D-day is always bittersweet for us!
((((HUGS)))) to you!

Jules said...

Ive been thinking about this lately too with the change of weather here now, its starting to FEEL like the time of year R was dx and we are only coming up to his 1 yr diaversary. I want to turn it into something positive for us so we have happy memories to replace the cruddy ones. I think we will take the family to seaworld he will love the marine animals, poor little chicken doesnt remember dx, but we do!

Wendy said...

Celebrate life! Whether you choose to make it a big deal or not mention it at all, remember to celebrate every glorious smile since her life was spared!

Wendy said...

Celebrate life! Whether you choose to make it a big deal or not mention it at all, remember to celebrate every glorious smile since her life was spared!

Misty said...

I have gone through these same back and forth emotions. It's hard to celebrate something that I really despise. But I think Wendy hit the nail on the head...Celebrate LIFE! Hugs, I get it!

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