Thursday, January 26, 2012

The way things were

This afternoon as I was watching TV, Lovebug came up to me, climbed up onto my lap and fell sleep. She hasn't done that in quite a while. It was something she did quite often as a baby.  She liked to do it to my hubby too.  Hence how she got the nickname Lovebug. So, when she climbed up today I couldn't help but soak every single second of it up. It brought back all those memories from when she was a baby and toddler.  Sometimes I miss those days. Although with diabetes "scaring" my memories now I really wouldn't want to relive them. Just miss them.  Sentimentally anyway.
Lovebug all cuddled up with daddy
Princess is very similar to Lovebug that way. Princess loves to climb up onto you lap or snuggle with you on the couch but not for very long and not without LOTS of wiggles.   Now I am wondering when I won't get as much of her loving on me as she does now.

I remember Peanut (our healthy pancreas kiddo) before she went to school. I have always enjoyed watching her grow up and learn new things. However bittersweet it is.  But with Lovebug and Princess it feels different.  The older they get the closer they get managing their own diabetes.  While I know it really is a long way off yet, it's hard to watch.

Lovebug checks her blood sugar herself a lot now. (at home anyway) She is a little more involved in her care.  She has become much more vocal about it.  Especially about the fact that she has to wear a pump pouch all the time.  She gets frustrated when she is too high or too low ( I am afraid I might have rubbed off on her there just a bit)

Back around Christmas her pump broke and we had to go back to shots for 3 days until we could get the new pump. Normally it would have been here the next day but because of Christmas being on a weekend it took a couple extra days.  I will NEVER forget the look on her face and the excitement in her eyes when she realized that night that she didn't have to wear a pump shirt or pump pouch to bed.  Not only could you see how happy she was by the look in her eyes you could tell by the way she was jumping up and down giggling! It brought tears to my eyes and almost made me consider keeping her on shots for a while and taking a pump vacation.  (until I quickly thought of school and all the other people that would have to be taught how to give shots and decided that just wouldn't be a smart move)

Freedom.  I know what that is like but I'm not sure she even remembers life before D.  Her normal life.  But I remember it.  I remember the carefree way we could just go about our day.  I didn't have to take 10 thousand different scenarios in my head and then decide if what I want to do is either a good idea or not feasible because of blood sugar numbers.  I (vaguely) remember when I slept in more then 2 to 4 hour increments.

I remember when she could just go about her life and just be a kid!  How I miss those days.  I miss them even more with Princess.  I guess because her diagnosis still seems so fresh to me, even almost 10 months into this.  They are just slipping further and further away.  And while I don't want to relive them I am afraid the some of the memories will fade.  Masked by diabetes and all that it entails.  I am afraid when I look back, I won't remember their lives before diabetes any more then they do.

Funny how I wish things were different, yet at the same time I wouldn't change a thing. I guess it is just me trying to live in the moment and be more accepting of what has been handed to me.  Yet I will hold on to and cherish those days, the way things were...


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