There are a few things I never thought I would hear come out of my daughter's mouth but tonight I heard one of them.
Lovebug came to me with a concerned look on her face, "Mom, I don't want to die!!" What?! Where did that come from? (I thought that, didn't say it) "I would be sad to not be here anymore." What would happen to me, mommy? Where would my body go? Would I still be alive?" (um those are some deep questions for a 6 year old.)
My reply: "Well, I don't want you to die either, kiddo. I would miss you. Why do you think you are going to die?" It wasn't just the words that tore at me but her body language and tone of voice that sounded sad and worried. It really tugged at this mama's heartstrings. (after I got over the shock of her statement it turned into a beautiful conversation about faith and heaven)
Truth be told, I'm glad she doesn't know that I do think about her dying. I worry about low blood sugars and other complications of diabetes taking her from me. (or Princess from me) It's something that never hit home until they were diagnosed and Type 1 entered out lives.
I want to trust that she will be here until she is old and grey and maybe even live to see a cure for diabetes, but it's hard. I don't know about any of you but it's hard for me to hope when I have to deal with reality. You know the ones where she wakes up with a bg of 324 and 3.9 ketones and the next day a wake up bg of 47. The same diabetes that is perfect one minute and completely out of whack the next. A disease that has no rhyme or reason to it, ever.
Add all this to the fact my 6 year old is worried about dying and it's about enough to give me a heart attack. My girls have had to grow up too soon. They have to take care of themselves and be responsible for more then any Kindergartner or First Grader ever should be. Even Peanut has had to grow up too quickly. She is a great big sister looking out for Lovebug and Princess, but she shouldn't have to.
My girls should all be able to be little girls. Little girls that don't think about death or how much they hate diabetes.
2 comments:
Oh man, those ARE some deep questions/thoughts from such a young soul.
Tugged on my heartstrings too.
Oh...! Must be a heart-breaking talk to have, knowing that she's thinking about that at such a young age? How DID that come up - so hoping it wasn't something on TV or that a friend told her. Glad to hear it turned into a great mom-daughter conversation, though!
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